Things you will never hear on CSI
Some Quotes I got from Talk CSI that you possibly wont hear on CSI!!
Hankster said:(Greg is lying asleep, then wakes up to see a weird Alien creature with a Giant head covered with eyes reading from a scroll that says "The Sins of Greg Sanders" standing over him next to his bed.)
Alien Creature: These are the Sins of Greg Sanders. They will be read one at a time. It will continue without end. Age 2, kicked his baby sister in the stomach. Age 3, stole a piece of bubble gum from the 7-eleven, pooped on the bathroom floor after taking off his diaper...
Greg: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET TO AGE 12 WHEN I DISCOVERED SELF-PLEASURE!!! AIIIIYYYEEEE!!!
Grissom: Sara...I'm pregnant.
ecklie: Hodges,i love you
Hodges: yeah,well i don't love you, i love Sofia.
(Sofia enters)
Sofia: (grabs hodges) shaddup and kiss me!
Hodges: *kisses her*
Ecklie: WTF?
Nick: *Walks out of the Lab and finds him surrounded(sp?) By Fan girls* OSHT!
Fan girls:...Oh Nicky, Your so fine, your so fine You blow my mind, Hey Nicky, Hey Nicky, Oh Nicky your so Fine, Your so fine you blow my mind, Hey Nicky, Hey Nicky!
Nick: Erm, Thanks.
Fan girl 1: OMG! He said something *Faints*
Fan girl 2: Our God as Spoken! All Hail Nicky!
Nick: Why me? Why me? WHY ME?
Fan girl 1: Heeee Said something again! OMG! did you get it on recording?
Fan girl 3: Yep.
Fan girl: Yay!
Nick: ...Well...Its nice to See your girls *Starts walking slowly away then Starts running*
Catherine and Sara in the lab
Sara: I'm bored.. wanna make-out?
Cath: sure
Catherine leaves goes to find a phone
Sara:what are you doing?
Cath: Calling Lady Heather to come join us
Grissom: *ripping off Destiny's child's song Bootylicious*
I don't think you're ready for her jelly,
I don't think you're ready for it,
Cos' Cath's tush is too Bootylicious for ya,
I don't think your ready for her jelly,
you're no match for her a**,
she is sexy, that's just Cath...
Grissom: Lindsay, will you marry me?
Lindsay: YES!
[they kiss]
Catherine: Oh I'm so happy.
Sara: Me too! Hey, Cath, let's hook up.
Catherine: Okay.
[they start making out.]
[Greg and Nick look at each other, shrug, and start kissing.]
Grissom: Hey Ecklie?
Ecklie: What, Grissom?
Grissom: Shake it like a salt shaker!
Ecklie shakes it.
Grissom (singing in the shower): I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and GAY!
(Greg kisses Nick on the cheek)
Nick: Dude, what are you, gay?
Greg: Five times gayer than you think I am. And you've got four more coming.
(Greg kisses Nick four more times)
Catherine: [talking to a tree] You're so cute. No, you shut up. [giggles] No, you. No, you. [moves in closer] I'll make you shut up. [kisses the tree.]
[Sara (as a nun, lol) clears her throat]
Catherine: Umm.. I'm just doing my part to save the rainforest.
Ecklie: Grissom, please go out with me!
Grissom: No, Eclkie!
Ecklie: But...but...I'm sexy!
Sara: So you don't love me? (cries)
Frog: *croaks*
Sara: I gave you the best years of my life and you cheat on me with Brass? How dare you!
Brass: "Come on, you know you wanna go out."
Sara: "Uh...No thanks."
Brass: "Actually, I was talking to Greg."
Greg: o_o;;
Hodges (dancing and singing): Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let's talk about sex.
Grissom (walks in and witnesses this. In Austin Power's voice-): Oh, behave.
Ecklie(in wicked witch voice to Griss) I'll get you my pretty, and your little bugs too!
Sara(singing)I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want...
Gris: Well, let me give you what you want, right now. *kisses her*
Grissomin his office with the radio on full blast On the radio they're paying JC Chasez "All day long I dream about sex.)
All day long I dream about sex
And all night long I think about sex
And all the time I think about sex with you, with you
All day long I dream about sex
And all night long I think about sex
And all the time I think about sex with you, with you
Sara,Cathrine,and all the girls from the lab come in his office. "Grissom you wanted Us to meet you in you're office."
Grissom shuts radio off scurringly. "I didn't call you guys."
Nick,Warrick,and Greg near the window tell Grissom to rephase his wording. Grissom nods and thanx the Guys. "Come on I'm taking ya all out it's on me."
Nick,Warrick,and Greg smile and take out there Camaras.
Greg smiles "I wonder how much would a lab girls gone nuts tape will go for." Nick and Warrick hit Greg upside the head and Chase after the girls.
__________________
The lab suddenly starts shaking and then it turns into the star command bridge:
Archie: Captain Grissom we're being hit from all sides by gen,Ecklie!!
Nick: (with Scottish accent) Capt. I don't think she can take any more!!!
Nick singing in the tune of sir Mix A lots "i like big Butts"
Grissom likes big bugs and he can not lie
the other CSI's can't deny
that when he sees one of those itty bitty things
with an abdomen in his face, he gets sprung!
he's hooked and he can't stop staring
oh buggy he wants to catch you, and take your picture!
Grissom likes Bugs!
Oh i'm nutty
and just because I can...
Grissom: Blah, Blah, Blah, Bugs, blah ,Blah, Blah, Bugs...
Nick: Grissom shut up!!!!
Warrick: Nick, man, you up for breakfast?
Nick: Nah. I have a crazy lady with a gun coming at 2, an interview with a stalker at 4 and a fitting for a plexiglass coffin at 6:30. I'm swamped.
When life gives you lemons, find someone who life is giving them vodka; then have a party!!-Ron White (that guy cracks me up!)
Grissom to everyone:Guess what I got for my birthday, everyone!
Everyone:What?!
Grissom:Girls Gone Wild! yeahhhhh!
All the guys:YEAHH!
All the girls:........
Ecklie: Welcome to the LVPD Winter Talent Show!Please Welcome...G.G and the Power Of Three!
Grissom (With Greg, Warrick and Nick in the backround):
Yo, yo, yo
All you sucker MCs
Ain't got nothing on me
From my grades to my lines
You can't touch Gil G
I'm a Forensic Investigator
So CSI is inferred
but forget what you heard
I'm like James bond the Third
Shaken not stirred
I'm G Grissom
The G is silent
When I sneak in your door
And make love to your woman
On the bathroom floor
I don't play it like Shaggy
You'll know it was me
because the next time you see her
She'll be like
Gil Grissom!
Ecklie: Thank you, Gil, that's enough.
Grissom:
Happy holidays, everybody.
!G.G. And the Power of Three.!
Catherine (To Sara in the audience): I will never look at them the same *Shudders*
Grissom: Nick I love you
Nick: .......
Grissom: say something!!!
Nick:...I..um have to go *runs away*
Grissom: Why!! why must all I love run away!!??
Nick: Greg i'm mad... are you mad to?
Greg: yeah!
Nick: Why are you mad?
Greg: because I can't see my forehead!
Nick: ......
(thank spongebob square pants )
Sara: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedy deedy, there they are standing in a row. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head!
Grissom (to Greg): Okay, so what you do is: stick the head into the hole, turn it one way, then the other, and plunge in!
Greg: (Speachless, jaw dropped)
Grissom: Jeeze, Greg, when diving into a pot hole.
Greg: Yeah...I knew that. (Shrugs like it was nothing.)
Ecklie: (Driving a bulldozer and chasing Greg and Girssom) HAPPY OPPOSITE DAY GRISSOM!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Greg: Gee, I wish Ecklie didn't like us so much!!!
continuing from this:
Grissom:Wait, Ecklie! If it were opposite day than it wouldn't really be opposite day because it's opposite day!
Ecklie:Awww, Gil! Why do you always have to ruin my fun!
Nick and Warrick walk in dressed in 70's clothes, Warrick has a giant fro and Nick... well his Beatles hair.
Nick: I'm Bacardi
Warrcik: and I'm Cola, and we're here to show the ladies some fun!
Grissom: and I'm ice... get back to work!
Nick: fun wrecker!
Sara: Gill I love you...
Grissom: .....
Nick: *spits out drink* WTF?!
Sara: ha ha!! got you Gil! remember it's opposite day!! wow the look on your face's!!
Nick and Grissom: *leave*
Sara: what oh come on, it was funny!!
Grissom: Does anyone know why there's a tape called 'CSIs Gone Wild' in the AV lab? And I also wanna know who hid the camera in the broom closet!
Sara: I told you we should've waited for your place.
Ecklie: Whadda you want, Grissom?
Grissom: Greg and I are doing forensic art, Conrad. Wanna help?
Ecklie: Forensic art? I am the only forensic Arteest in this lab! I have more talent in my pinky finger than you night shifters have in your whole bodies!
Sara: God...this was the worst idea of my life. Last time I'm ever wearing a lace corset to shift ever again. This thing chafes like hell.
Ecklie: I've been there--er..I mean...QUIT MESSING AROUND SIDLE!!
Grissom: Catherine, I think I have my period.
Grissom (singing to Ecklie): You got a friend in me. You got a friend in me. When the road looks rough ahead and you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed. Just remember what you're old pal said. Yeah you got a friend in me.
Ecklie (tearing up): I love you, man!
*The team is asking questions at a cross dresser/whatever you call it bar*
Grissom: That can't be who I think it is
Warrick: Now that is just....wrong. Very wrong in so many ways
Nick: I agree
Greg: Let's get pictures, we can post them in the office and scare everyone.
*Sara and cath both stare*
Cath: What people do in their time is their buisness, but you are right, this is very disturbing
Sara: Can I go be sick now?
*The figure spots them* Grissom, if you or your team speak a word of this to anyone, I'll KILL YOU!
Grissom: You don't intimidate me under normal circumstances, but seeing you like this, Ecklie, all I can do is laugh my ass off.
Gris: I am the boss, hear me ROAR! I dare you to try and ignore
Greg:When in doubt, PINKY OUT! *pinkies out*
Grissom is being hit on by some Drag Queen which is really Ecklie except Grissom doesn't recognize him
Grissom:Hey you wanna head over to my place?...
Ecklie:Sure honey whatever you say!....
Ecklie trips on the way out of a bar and his wig flies off
Grissom:HOLY SH*T! Jesus, CONRAD! *Grissom gets sick*
Grissom: Hey guys sorry I'm late. I got caught up at the door.
*everyone else in the lab screams*
Greg: You said the secret word!
Sara: (to Grissom) You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!
Griss: GREG HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPIKE THE COFFEE!!!
Hodges: "Everyone, guess what color underpants I'm wearing?"
Grissom: (Watching some DVD on a laptop and laughing his ass off!) BWA HA HA HA HA!!!
Nick: (Comes in) What's so funny, Grissom?
Grissom: You ever seen this Spongebob Squarepants show? It's HILARIOUS!
Nick: Uh... yeah... I'm just surprised you'd watch it!
Grissom: Someone left this DVD in my office.... and look at this (Camera cuts to the screen and we see Squidward)
Squidward: Unlike the rest of the idiots in this town, I'm not so easily foold. I listen to PUBLIC RADIO!
Grissom: Doesn't he remind you of someone we know?
Nick: Ecklie!
Nick and Grissom: BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!
(Ecklie comes in upon hearing this)
Ecklie: What are YOU TWO idiots laughing about? What day is this: happy hopping moron day?
Nick and Grissom: BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!
Ecklie: (Snidely) Aw-right! Ver-ry funny!
Grissom: Sure thing.. SQUIDRAD!
Nick: BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
The Young Turks are sititng at the break room. Nick is happily chowing down on some food)
Warrick: Watcha got there, Nick?
Nick: Mmmmph, Murfle-murfle.
Sara: What?
Nick: I found this fruit pudding in the fridge and since no one claimed it, it's mine.
Warrick: Um, okay.
(Grissom walks in)
Grissom: Hey guys? I'm missing some guano I wanna feed my roaches and I think it left it somewhere in this breakroom. Have you seen it?
Sara: Guano? As in bat droppings?
Warrick: You're missing a stool sample?
(Nick continues to chew until it dawns on him just WHAT he is eating, turns green and bolts out of the break room)
Grissom: Not anymore...
Greg- Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?
Nick(Laughing)- No... No.
Greg- Neither did I. I was just asking.
Grissom:Okay Catherine! You and I are getting pedicures today at 2:00 PM! Don't be late! Oh yeah i'm getting my eyebrows done too!
Catherine:Reading Cosmopolitan again? *smirks and laughs*
Nick:Everyone I have a confession.. I like Desperate Housewives better than CSI...
Grissom:That's blasphemy! Wait.... This is a show?
Nick:Yeah! Don't you ever notice all the cameras following us?!
Hodges: There's a torch on the wall/And she didn't call, o-hay, o-hay, there's a cat on the bridge/and experiments in the fridge, o-hay, o-hay, there's fire in the door/And another dead wh-
Grissom: Hodges, you have got to stop lighting unidentified trace on fire and inhaling the fumes.
Hodges: There's a head on a stick/and Ecklie's a d-
Greg: <dressed like Jack Sparrow, is dancing on a table>
Sara: What in the name of all that is good and humble are you doing?
Greg: <sway> I'll tell you, mayte. <jumps off table, sway> I'm bein' the Captain. <sway, hums POTC theme>
Grissom: <impression of Patrick Stewart> Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the USS Enterprise?
Archie: <pokes head out of A/V lab> WHERE?!??! WHAT SEASON?!
Greg: <sway, jumping from table to table>
Sara: False alarm, Archie.
Greg: Naw, mayte. <sway, vague gesticulation> I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. Sevvy? <sway>
Sara: I think someone's been hitting the rum.
Grissom: Attention Mr. Bruckheimer, cross-fandom-contamination in Aisle 5... <bloop>
Nick: <stare>
Catherine: Who is that?
Grissom: <blush> Turn it off.
Warrick: Dude, that's Grissom.
Grissom: TURN IT OFF. <lunge>
Nick: Dude, I am totally getting a still of this. I'm going to post it allll over the lab. Grissom: You are NOT posting pictures of my-
Warrick: What's the big deal, anyway? It's just a-
Catherine: But it's so BIG. I mean, look at the size of that one part there, right where it makes that little bulge-
Grissom: You are not going to post images of my bellybutton all over the lab.
Catherine: But it's soooo cuuuuute! <coo>
Ecklie: Sooooo. Welcome to my lair- I mean, welcome back to my office, Gil. <leer>
Grissom: Right. So what kind of evil do you have for me today?
Ecklie: <robotic voice> MY QUEEN, WE WILL PROCEED WITH THE PLAN. <light blinks on> YOU WILL NOW BE ASSIMILATED.
Grissom: <dodge> Hodges, did you give Ecklie some of your "medicine" again...?
Ecklie: STOP MOVING. WE CANNOT ASSIMILATE YOU IF YOU KEEP BLOODY MOVING.
Hodges: I don't GIVE him any. He keeps taking it.
Grissom: Riiiight. <dodge> Sofia, could you hand me that taser over there?
Ecklie: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. WE ARE THE BORG.
Grissom: Yeah, yeah, and I'm Species 8472. <zap>
Catherine: Ring around the rosey, a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall DOWN! (falls onto the floor and giggles like a school girl, rolling on the floor.)
Grissom (walking in): It's good to see you too, Catherine.
Catherine (standing): It's my morning routine, you should be used to it by now.
Grissom (listening): I think I hear someone else's morning routine as well.
(They walk to a storage closet)
Greg: And IIIIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuuuu, I will always love you! Bittersweet memories, that is all I'm taking with meeeeeeeee! So good-bye, please don't cry. We both know I'm not what you, you neeeeeeeed. AND IIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUU!
(Greg continues singing)
Grissom: I can't take this anymore. (Bangs on the door) Greg! Stop singing to yourself in the mirror!
Sara: So I guess you know about me and Griss now, don't you.
Cath: Yep.
Sara: Do you have any suggestions on how to handle it. I mean, what if Eklie finds out?
Cath: I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit... stay the heck away from Gil Grissom!
Nick: *singing JT's 'SexyBack' in the break room* ...You see these shackles baby I'm your slave!
Grissom: *walks in* WTF?
Sara: *jumps on table with nick and starts dancing with him, singing PCD's 'Buttons' and grinding with nick*
Grissom: WTF?
Catherine: *jumps on table starts to sing 'Promiscuous' and dances*
Grissom: WTF?
Greg: *bursts in* and is singing 'panic at the disco' and rocks out.
Grissom: *leaves*
Greg: Sara, do you need a ride home? I heard your car broke down.
Sara: I don't need a ride Greg. I need $2,000 an engine or a miracle.
Greg: Maybe I'm your miracle. *winks*
Greg:Guess what you guys?! I just won 10,000 neopoints on Neopets! *freaks out*
Grissom:Greg.... Maybe you should go home and get some rest..
Ecklie:Would anyone like to join me to go to the Pants Party?
Grissom to Lady Heather singing:Whip it! Whip it good!
Greg magically pops in on them: Get in shape! Shape it up! Get straight! Go forward, move ahead! Try to detect, it's no to late, to WHIP IT! Whip it goooood!
Grissom:Greg how did you get in here?!
Greg:I have Devo senses! Whenever i hear someone i know singing them i pop in!
Grissom:Well, Greg.... GET OUT!
Greg:But i have FREEDOM OF CHOICE!
Nick sits with his shrink.
Nick: Doc, I think these meds you have me on aren't working.
Shrink: Oh! And why do you say that Nick.
Nick: Well, I'm in the morgue and I hear voices..
Shrink: Could it be the people working in the morgue..
Nick: Naw man! It's coming from the walls....
Shrink: I see!
Nick: Doc..am I crazy..
Shrink: No..but I'm going to prescribe you another pill..
Nick: I'm on three different kinds..
Shrink: Well a fourth should be easy for you..
(Hodges is puttering around his lab. He looks left and right to see if anyone’s around. It seemed deserted. Hodges pokes his head out the door and looks up and down the hall. Dead. So quiet you could hear a pin drop. He leans back in and closes the door. He heads over to a CD player and presses “play”. Then starts singing and dancing, confident that no one else is around…)
Hodges: Dunt. Da-nunt. Dunt dunt da nunah-nunah. Dunt. Da-nunt. Dunt dunt da nunah-nunah. Dunt. Da-nunt. Dunt dunt da nunah-nunah. Dunt. Da-nunt. Dunt dunt da nunah-nunah. Dunt. Da-nunt. Dunt dunt da nunah-nunah. Dunt. Da-nunt. Dunt dunt da nunah-nunah. Dunt. Da-nunt. Dunt dunt da nunah-nunah. Dunt. Da-nunt. Dunt dunt da nun-Well I been workin’ in a coal mine, goin down down. Workin’ in a coal mine-WHEW! about to slip down… workin in a coal mine, goin down down. Workin in a coal mine-WHEW! about to slip dooown. Five o’clock in the mornin’…I’m up before the sun. When my work day is over, I’m too tired for havin’ fuuuun- Well I been workin’ in a coal mine, goin down down. Workin’ in a coal mine-WHEW! about to slip down… workin in a coal mine, goin down down. Workin in a coal mine-WHEW! about to slip down. Dunt. Da-nunt. Dunt dunt da nunah-nunah. LORD! I am Sooo tired. How looong can this go ooon? Well I been workin’ in a coal mine, goin down down. Workin’ in a coal mine-WHEW! about to slip down… workin in a coal mine, goin down down. Workin in a coal mine-WHEW! about to slip dooown. Five o’clock in the mornin’…I’m up before the sun. When my work day is over, I’m too tired for havin’ fuuuun- Well I been workin’ in a coal mine, goin down down. Workin’ in a coal mine-WHEW! about to slip down… workin in a coal mine, goin down down. Workin in a coal mine-WHEW! about to slip down. Dunt. Da-nunt. Dunt dunt da nunah-nunah. LORD! I am Sooo tired. How looong can this go ooon? I been workin’…goin’…workin’… WHEW! about to slip down. I been a-workin’…a-goin’…a-workin’… WHEW! about to slip down. I been workin’…goin’…workin’… WHEW! about to slip-
(Freezes dead in his tracks like a deer caught in the headlights. With a groan he spots Sara with a video camera. She waves and smiles) Oh, crap.
(Stalks to the door and swings it open) And just how long have you been standing here?
Sara: (smirking) Long enough.
Hodges: (sighing) All right, how much? Money’s no object.
Sara: I’m sorry, Dave. I can’t do that…
Grissom: hey how about we go camping and have some Delicious hot shmoes
Nick: Grissom, there called smores
Grissom: I know that's what I said Nick... shut up
Nick: *rolls eyes and leaves*
Nick: do ever feel like your being watched?
Sara: no why?
Nick: oh no reason
*grissom sits in his office watching them on closed circuit tv* oh crap they almost found out!!
Grissom (in a bubble bath): Rubber ducky, you're the one. (squeaks his ducky.) You make bath time lots of fun!
Shrink: So Nicky how's the meds going..
Nick is sitting on his chair twitching and foaming at the mouth..
Grissom is sitting with him.
Grissom: Uh..I don't think they are working very well..
Nick: G...Get.. me off these things..now...
Doc: Oh but the withdrawls are awful..I'll just prescribe another one for him..
Greg is dancing round the lab singing:
'I like to move it, move it
I like to move it move it
Yeah I like to MOVE IT!!!'
( i love madadgascar in case you couldn't tell and these are all really good everyone )
(The team goes out for drinks after work)
Cath: I don't get why we came here, I'm telling you, the whole stripper thing is overrated...oh, lord, what *is* that?
Warrick: That is so wrong in so many ways....
Brass: There's got to be something that says I can arrest him. And if it's not illegal, it should be
Grissom: Hey, Ecklie, we knew you were moonlighting, but this is...
Greg: Gross!
Gris: Yeah
Sara: I think I'm gonna be sick
Nick: Save room for me...man that is ugly
Ecklie: Get out of here before I fire all of you!
Grissom: To all the CSIs Okay, gang, we're going on strike.
Got another one (I let my friend read my last quote and she gave me one).
Griss and Ecklie are walking down the hall.
"I don't know why you rag on my team all the time, Conrad. I know you hate that they're better than your team but they are also more mature and professional than your guys."
They round the corner and see Warrick and Greg in the lab....playing patty cake.
"Yeah, Gil. They're really mature," Ecklie says and walks away. Grissom watches him and sticks his tongue out Ecklie.
Greg:Hey, Grissom! What are you doing?
Grissom:I'm planning an evil scheme against Ecklie!
Greg:Oh really?! Can I help?
Grissom:Hmm, okay. Go get me some Diet Coke and Mentos!
Greg:Why?
Grissom:Because... We're going to launch a bottle of it right at him when he walks in through the door!
Greg:Oh, my that's... Why that's INGENIUS!
*later*
Greg:Ready, Grissom?
Grissom:Ready! Okay on my count we'll launch it! ONE, TWO, THREE!
*they launch the coke bottle at someone through the door thinking it's Ecklie*
Catherine:*shrieking because she is drenched with soda*
Greg:Oh..
Grissom:My...
Both:GOD!
*both run away*
Nick and Greg are discussing features on their cell phone
Greg: Well my phone has crime deterrent (sp?)
Nick: Whaa...?
Greg hacks his phone at Nick's head
Hodges: You wanted the results...?
Grissom: No, I want my bubble gum, STARTS DOING THE BAZOOKA BUBBLEGUM DANCE bazooka-zooka bubblegum, bazooka-zooka bubblegum...
Hodges walks out and grabs Greg
Hodges: Look, no more Nickelodeon in the breakroom.
Grissom (on top of a building):You see, Catherine, in order to die, the victim would have had to jump off like this
Catherine (on the ground): No, Gil! Don't jump!
Grissom: *jumps* Wheeeee!
Catherine: You're an idiot*boing*
*Griss comes back upward past her* See, bungee cord. You should try it sometime. Wheeee!
Sara comes out of the DNA lab, and turns down the hall when suddenly...
Greg: ...aaaruba! Jamaica!
Warrick: Ooooh I wanna take yah!
Catherine: To Bremuda! Bahama's C'MON pretty mama!!
Nick: Key largo, Montago, baby why don't we go...
ALL: Down to Kokomo! We'll get there fast and take it slow!
Grissom suddenly slides in, arms wide open
Grissom: [High pitched] THAT'S WHERE WE WANNA GO!!!!
ALL: WAY DOWN TO KOKOMO!!!!
Sara: Looks into her coffee cup, then dumps it out. No more coffee..ever.
*Grissom dancing around his office, singing*
The team are all driving along in an SUV when an orange suddenly slams into the windscreen.
Grissom: (who was driving) What the...?
He gets out the van to inspect and sees Ecklie on the side of the road, quivering and armed with more oranges.
Grissom: Ecklie, why the hell did you throw and orange at my SUV?!
Ecklie trembles and then lifts up one of the oranges.
Ecklie: Come no further, I'm armed!
Grissom rolls his eyes and reaches out to grab Ecklie. Ecklie screams, drops the oranges and runs away into the distance. He reaches a fence and attempts to clinb over but his trousers get caught and he falls on his face with a THUD. Grissom watches on, slowly shaking his head.
(Inspired by Napoleon Dynamite)
Warrick: Tina! Come get some ham! Tina you fat lard! Come get some ham!
Ecklie: (Teasingly) Hey Archie, d'ya wet the bed last night?
Archie: (Slightly upset but mostly angry) Hey Ecklie, did you take a dump in your bed last night!?
Ecklie looks angry.
Ecklie: I could kick your butt Archie so I'd shut up.
Archie: Why don't you tell your mom to shut up!
Ecklie: What did you just say?
Archie: Whatever I feel like I wanna say!
Ecklie: Did you say something about my mother?
Archie: Maybe I did... (noticing how angry Ecklie looks) Maybe I didn't!
Ecklie: (Turning red) Do you want to die Archie?!
Archie: (Smiles smugly) Pfft! Yeah right! Who's the only one here who knows the illegal ninja moves from the government?!
Grissom: Your Mom goes to college!
Nick: huh?
(Warrick has come home from work and is in a foul mood.)
Warrick: Tina, I'm home! (Silence) I said, TINA, I'm HOOOOOOME!
(Tina comes in, also looking tired and annoyed.)
Tina: I heard you the first damn time! You don't need to shout!
Warrick: Dangit woman, don't you use that tone with me! I've been dealing with the messes criminals leave behind all night long. I'm tired and I want a sandwich, so fix me a damn sandwich woman!
Tina: (cocks her head sideways and gives him a look) Oh, I don't THINK SO, Mr. WAR-RICK BROWN! You got two hands, you got a brain and you're standing up! I been working at the hospital ALL NIGHT LONG too! Dealing with old folks that crap their pants and idiots that seem to think the call button is for room service. You want yourself a sandwich? You can fix it your OWN DAMN SELF! Hmmph!!!! (She folds her arms and turns her head, sticking her nose in the air!)
Warrick: Oh, HAYELL NO! You ain't takin' that tone with me an' gittin' away wid it, woman! (He plops into his easy chair) I am DA MAN in this family! I make the rules! I earn more money, and I fight crime! You're gonna fix me a goddam sandwich and you're gonna like it!
Tina: (Grabs her purse and struts towards the door, wiggling her bottom)
Warrick: I think you must be confused, woman! The kitchen is that-a-way! (he points in the other direction)
Tina: Then you know where it is to make your own goddamned sandwich! I'm goin' out!
Warrick: Oh no you ain't! Get your BUTT into that kitchen and make me my sandwich!
Tina: I'm goin' to Nick Stokes' place! DON'T wait up, Warrick! (She steps out and slams the door)
Warrick: (pauses) Well this is an unexpected development.
(He gets up goes to the phone and dials a number. We hear the phone ring and then a voice comes on.)
Nick: Hey bro! What's up?
Warrick: Tina's comin' your way, man!
Nick: Lemme guess: she wouldn't make you a sandwich after work again?
Warrick: Damned straight! You gonna handle her and send her on back?
(Camera cuts to Nick's place--we see he's in bed, shirtless, while talkin' on the phone!)
Nick: Don't worry bro--I'll take good care of her and then send her back your way!
Warrick: Thanks, Nick! It's good to know you've got my back! (Warrick hangs up the phone.)
(Nick puts his hands behind his head and stretches. We see a brown skinned arm wrap around his chest. The camera pans out and we see Tina's in Nick's bed--the covers are covering any parts that shouldn't be seen in a PG 13 movie.)
Tina: (Giggles) Yep, you gonna take REAL GOOD care o' me, right Nicky?
Nick: (Smirks) You know it baby!
(The two kiss for a bit, then she reaches over to the nightstand and pulls back... a plate with a sandwich on it!)
Tina: Here you go, Nicky-babe!
Nick: (Nick looks it over!) Awright! Ham and cheese with mustard and the crusts cut off! You really make a GREAT SANDWICH, honey!
*meanwhile, Warrick is also in bed, snuggling with Catherine*
Cath: Finally, I thought you'd never ask me over
Warrick: I would have but I'd have ended up on Doc Robbins' table for it.
Cath: Did I ever tell you I wanted to kiss you that night in the parking lot?
Warrick: Don't have to tell me, I'd have done it to you too. Everyone knows it's you I really want. Well except Nick, he wants you too
Cath: It was nice while it lasted but I'm totally madly in love with you....get a divorce all ready, will you?
Warrick: This is Vegas, I'd have to get up to Reno...might be able to pull it off though. THen we can come back to Vegas and find a wedding chapel
Cath: Let's do it baby!
Sara: I'm not ready to say goodbye...
(a very serious pause)
Grissom: I'm too sexy for my shirt.
Grissom:I'M SOO BORED! Damnit! I think I'm going to have a relationship with Sophia, Catherine, and Wendy becauseeee I am SO bored!
Nick in a mask, cape, and wig:Remember Remember the FIFTH of November! *He blows up the crimelab*
Nick:MWHAHHAHA! Take that Ecklie and your evilness!
*if you've seen V for Vendetta that might make sense*
*Grissom's birthday*
Nick: check out our party games
Sara: Yeah we have Pin The Tail on Ecklie, the Ecklie pinata...
Cath: I love the tail one...*holds up donkey poster with Ecklie head on it*
Greg: Becaus he's an--
NIck: Thank you, Greg, we already know what he is
Sara: Oh and I got balloon stomping games with...*ding ding* Ecklie face balloons!
*Ecklie comes in* Okay...may I have a word with all of you? Right now!
(Ecklie farts and fire shoots out of his behind)
Ecklie: OOOOWWWWW!!!! MY ASSSS!!! GIL! SERIOUSLY!!!
Grissom: It's okay, Conrad! We're out of the office--you can stop farting fire now!
Ecklie: I WOULD IF I COULD YOU SUNNUVABITCH!!! (Suddenly there's a zapping sound. Ecklie's cheeks have red circles on them and he starts singing.) I love to singa! About the moona and the June-a and the Spring-a! I love to singa! About a sky of blue and tea for two... (Zapping sound again, Ecklie stops singing)
Greg: VISITORS!
Grissom: He IS under ALIEN CONTROL!
Ecklie: Sunuvabitch!!!
Catherine: suspect on location, suspect on location!
(falls to the floor)
(Suddenley gets up and starts to chase the man who attacked her)
Catherine: GET back here you lousy, no good, son of a beep bepping beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep beep!
Cuts to police station
Jim: i didnt realise how strong u were catherine the man has not face left you mashed him to a pulp
Catherine: *shrugs* ay well
Cuts to morge
Dc Robins: Catherine did this
Grissom: *slightly singing* Scared of her!
(Grissom is reading something in the breakroom while the group walks in)
Greg: Aaaah! Gets out of room.
Nick: Oh my god! Runs out of room.
Warrick: WTF...? Walks out.
Catherine: Gil? Walks out.
(Sara sees them walking out before she goes in)
Sara: You all look like you've seen a ghost
Catherine: No, Grissom shaved.
(Sara runs away)
*Ecklie goes to talk to Cath, turns around and walks out*
Brass: Lose your nerve?
Ecklie: Heck, when she's PMSing, she's too scary even for me.
Brass *nods*
Catherine: Hey, guys? Have you seen Hodges?
Hodges: <has a towel tied around his shoulders like a cape> <on the roof> I CAN FLY, I CAN FLY! <goes to make a running jump>
Catherine: <grabs him by the cape>
Hodges: <jerked back by the cape, does a 720 and lands on his face>
Nick: Hey, what's three plus one?
Ecklie: 243.
Grissom: What's wrong with you?
Ecklie: <beep, whirr> I HAVE REPAIRED MY DAMAGED CIRCUITRY AND RECONNECTED MY CRANIUM TO MY TIBIA.
Grissom: You lose your brain along the way, Einstein?
Greg: <sway> Well, obviously. <vague gesticulation> Then again, it's not like he had one to begin with, sevvy?...
Greg, Catherine, and Grissom are walking onto a scene in the desert. Low and behold, Grissom is sporting the infamous straw hat...
Catherine pulls Greg aside before walking into the desert.
Catherine: Greg, we need to do something about that hat, seriously.
Greg: Do You want me to do something about it?
Catherine: Do it quietly, okay.
Greg: You got it.
Greg sneaks up behind Grissom as he is examining a body, grabs the straw hat... (dun dun dun)
Grissom: WTF?? Greg!?!
Greg runs away as Grissom chases him into the desert.
Catherine: FINALLY!!! Catherine goes to the crime scene
Sara, Nick, and Warrick pull up to the scene in the black tahoe, and walk out in slow motion, all wearing the darn straw hats.
Catherine: What are the guys in wardrobe smoking now?!? What the hell!?!
Robbins: *while doing autopsy* Head and shoulders knees and toes...
"Let's see...the foot bone's connected to the leg bone, the leg bone's connected to the hip bone, the hip bone's connected to the backbone...."
Grissom is standing in the breakroom and his team is sitting on the floor in a circle in front of him. Grissom sits on his stool, face deadly serious then puts his hands behind his back. Then, looking at the eager, shiny faces of his team he starts to sing:
Where is thumbkin? Where is thumbkin? *pulls hand from behind his back* Here I am! Here I am! *talks to the thumb* How are you this morning? Very well, thank you. Run away! Run away! *hides his hand behind his back again. His team members clap and squeal in glee.
(Grissom is in his office, listening to an iPod, shaking his booty)
Grissom: (Singing) My hump! My hump! My hump! My hump! My studly manly lumps! Check 'em out!
(Greg steps in, sees this and starts snickering. He hand-signals to the others to come quietly and watch. Soon, Brass, Warrick, Sara, Catherine and Nick are all there watching and trying not to laugh too loud. Grissom is still oblivious!)
lol...can we add in "Shake shake shake...shake shake shake....shake your booty...."
*the team is singing* "shake shake shake..shake shake shake...shake your booty..."
*Ecklie peeks in, sees them, slips in*
Warrick: Ewww, gross...
Nick: I think I'm gonna be sick
*they all run away*
Ecklie: What'd I do?
Cath: Trust me, Conrad, some bootys just don't need to be shook.
Sara: "You like leather or lace?"
Nick: "I'm not even going there. ...Lace."
Griss: Do you know how he died?
Robbins: Nope, and I don't even have any theory.
Griss: Neither do I.
Robbins: What are you gonna do?
Griss: Uhm... Hide it in Catherine's locker?
Robbins: Good idea.
Greg: Hey Hodges? Can't I have your honest opinion on something?
Hodges: Of course Sanders.
Greg: Do these pants make my butt look big?
Sara: Is that what it looks like?
Cath: I don't know, the uniform makes it hard to tell...
Nick: Yep, there's the backside....'Brass'..Hey, Gris, come look at this! Brass on skates! Hey, captain, we're all shocked...you never mentioned during that hockey case that you played
*Brass skates over* Some of us do have lives outside policework. Come on, you know you want to see me get in a fight out there. I can defiantely take half of those other guys
Grissom: Yeah, just...watch the skate blades, will you? And don't take any quinine.
Catherine:Today, I think I'm going to wear a shirt that's not very revealing!
Grissom:Today, I'm not going to have any dumb yet witty one liners!
Sara:Today, I'm not going to scowl once!
Nick:Today I'm going to decide on one definite haircut!
Greg:Today I'm not going to refer to Nana or Papa Olaf!
Warrick:Today, I'm going to finally get together with Catherine!
Ecklie:Today I'm going to get some Hair Rogaine and then grow a fro!
Next time on CSI...Sara and Greg have been dispatched by Interpol to track down an international serial killer known as the Slasher who's currently at large in Europe. This sends our intrepid heroes on a cross-continental trip just one step behind of the elusive murderer. Can Sara and Greg catch the Slasher...before they kill each other?
(At the airport...)
Greg: Can I drive?
Sara: No.
Greg: Can I drive?
Sara: No.
Greg: Can I drive?
Sara: No.
Greg: Can I drive?
Sara: No.
Greg: Can I drive?
Sara: Sure.
Greg: Really? Can I?
Sara: Sure. When the Smiths reunite.
Greg: Dammit!
(In Portugal, driving down the highway. Greg's flipping through a thick paperback...)
Greg: Posso dirigir?
Sara: What?
Greg: It means "Can I drive" in Portugese.
Sara: (cringing) Oh...God...
Greg: C'mon, Sara. A little culture's not gonna kill ya. Posso dirigir?
Sara: Grrrr...Não.
Greg: Very Good! Posso dirigir?
Sara: Não.
Greg: Posso dirigir?
Sara: Não.
Greg: Posso dirigir?
Sara: Não.
Greg: Posso dirigir?
Sara: Não!
Greg: Posso dirigir?
Sara: *BLEEEEEP!*
Greg: Hey look, we're in Spain now. ¿Puedo conducir?
Sara: Christ on crutches...No!
Greg: ¿Puedo conducir?
Sara: No.
Greg: ¿Puedo conducir?
Sara: No.
Greg: ¿Puedo conducir?
Sara: No!
Greg: ¿Puedo conducir?
Sara: NO!!!!
Greg: ¿Puedo conducir? ¿Puedo conducir? ¿Puedo conducir? ¿Puedo conducir...?
Sara: (death grip on wheel) One of these days...
Greg: ¿Puedo conducir? ¿Puedo conducir? ¿Puedo conducir? ¿Puedo conducir...?
Sara: One of these days, I am going to CUT you into little PIECES!
Greg: ¿Puedo conducir? ¿Puedo conducir? ¿Puedo conducir? ¿Puedo conducir...? (ad nauseum...)
...
To be continued...
Grissom: So I found this thing... and... Greg, what are you doing?
Greg: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. <sway> Sevvy?
Sara: I thought we burned your Captain Jack outfit, Greg?
Greg: Still here, love. <sway, gesticulation>
Grissom: And people say I'm weird.
Greg: <jumping on furniture>
Sara: Let's go confiscate the rum.
Greg: NOOOOOO!!!
Greg: <sway>
Sara: <swears> Greeeeeg...
Greg: <whirls around, stares at Sara> MISS ELIZABETH! <turns to Hodges> Hide the rum. <sway>
Hodges: <hides bottle under desk>
Greg: <sway> Oh no, it's Grissom. And Ecklie! <sway>
Grissom: <backing away> EEP!
Ecklie: HOLD STILL. WE WILL KNOCK YOU OUT. YOU WILL WAKE AS A BORG. DAMMIT GIL. HOLD STILL.
Archie: Holy crap, Ecklie's a Borg! Dude, this is JUST LIKE First Contact! <takes picture> ^.^ The guys at the convention are totally going to love this.
Greg: <tosses Grissom a sword> <sway> It's the honest ones you've got to watch out for, mate...
Sara: Hey, has anybody noticed that this is basically one big allusion?
Ecklie: <beep> <whirr>
Sofia: Dammit, not again.
Ecklie: <robot voice> YOU WILL NOW BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE IS-
Greg: <waving sword> <swing>
Ecklie: <is decapitated> <sparks>
Greg: Captain Jack wins again! <waves sword>
Ecklie's Severed Head: <looking at sword> Humph. And I half expected it to be made of wood. MY QUEEN, THE PLAN HAS BEEN FOILED BY A HOT MAN. WHAT DO WE DO?
Sofia: <zap>
Ecklie's Severed Head: OW.
Grissom: Damn you, George. DAMN YOU. I HATE YOU, GEORGE W. BUSH.
Sara: <giggles> That was random. I bet he'd laugh if he heard you say that.
Grissom: We'll see who's laughing when I unleash my vampire bug army on him.
Sara: I hear that.
Catherine: Vampire bugs? What, mosquitos?
Greg: No, they're little five-legged spider things. They're the reason I can't sit down for a week.
Grissom: Figured out how to pee next door, Greg?
Greg: I'm not sure I can pee at all at the moment. You need to teach your bugs how to aim.
Sara: <wince> Ow.
Grissom: Yeah, sorry about that. Let me know if you get a rash, some people are allergic...
Ecklie: <walking by, sneezes>
Hodges: Damn it. <fiddle> Damn it, damn it! <fiddle fiddle>
Microscope: <snap>
Hodges: Whoopsy daisy.
Miscroscope: <rattle>
Greg: What are you doing, Hodges?
Hodges: GAAH! <fiddle> The midcroscope isn't working. The light won't turn on.
Greg and Hodges: <fiddle>
Grissom: Plug it in, idiots... it smells funny in here... Hodges, you haven't been getting high off unidentified trace again, have you?
Patrick Star: (In his loud, dumb, huffy voice) WHOOOOO ARE YOU? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO? (Huffs and puffs) HOOOOO ARE YOU? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO? (Huffs and puffs) I REALLY WANNA KNOW... CUZ I'M DUMB... AND I FORGOT (huffs and puffs) HOOOOO ARE YOU? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?
Spongebob Squarepants: Patrick, will you PLEASE stop singing that song and get out from in front of the TV! Grissom's gonna solve the crime now!!!
Grissom: (On the TV, suddenly pauses) Hmm..
Nick: (on the TV) What's wrong, Grissom?
Grissom: (On the TV) Suddenly, I get the feeling that two cartoon invertibrate aquatic lifeforms are arguing about me while they watch TV!
Nick: (On TV) Yeah, right!!!
Greg *walking into the lab* Watch it, Cath's PMSing and....is it really a good idea for her to carry a gun in that case?
Gris: Send Nick in, he may be able to calm her
Nick: Nuh-uh...okay i do have a crush but that would make it go from CatNip to tiger by the tail!
Grissom: DIE, INSECTS, DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Catherine: He's finally lost it.
Sara: Yep.
Greg: Yeah.
Nick: Sad sight.
Warrich: Mmm hmm.
Sara: Let's have breakfast.
Catherine: Okay.
Greg: Where should we eat?
Nick: I don't know.
Catherine: Somewhere with a pole. I feel like goin' back to the college days.
Sara: Maybe you could teach me a thing or two. I always wanted to learn.
Catherine: Sure, buddy! *hugs Sara*
Nick/Greg/Warrick: Wtf?!
Random person: It's a bird, it's a plane, it's-
Grissom: Ecklie
Sara: Ecklie, why are you wearing *cringes* tights and a cape?
Ecklie: Shut up, Sidle! I'm SUPER ECKLIE!!!
Nick: Wtf
Sara: You can't tell me to shut up!
Greg: *vomits* Ecklie, get rid of those tights NOW.
Ecklie: *takes off tights* There! Happy now?
All: *vomit* ECKLIE!!!
Jim: Ecklie, you're under arrest for indecent exposure.
All: *hug each other* YAY!
Ecklie: But, but you can't arrest me! I'm SUPER ECKLIE!!!
All: Ecklie, SHUT UP!
Sara: (Comes into the office in Vegas wearing a belly shirt and apparently some very short shorts, acting all nonchalant, then passes Warrick and then Nick)
Nick: DAYAM! I didn't know she had a pierced navel or a butterfly tramp-stamp!!!
Warrick: Still, I never expected Sara to come into the office wearing pum pum shorts!!!
(Sara then passes Sofia and Catherine)
Sofia & Catherine: (Rapping) Mmm Hmm, that's right, uh-huh, OH NO! Fix yourself girl--you got a CAMELTOE!!!
Grissom sititng in his office looking at the computer
Catherine walks in
Grissom: hey Catherine, did you know there is a website called TalkCSI?
Catherine: NO Gil, I did not know that (she says very sarcatically)
Grissom: There is a section here called "THE HOTNESS OF GRISSOM"
Catherine: Really? again sarcastically
Grissom: It says I have nice lips, do you think I have nice lips Catherine as he says with a smile
Catherine: WHATEVER GRISSOM and walks out
Sara (doing a striptease for Grissom while singing): One way or another, I'm gonna find ya, I'm gona getcha getcha getcha getcha...
*Catherine doing a striptease for Grissom*
Grissom: I'm in love with a stripper...
Nick: You know, Warrick, the striped love beetle Eudicella gralli tells us our victim was brought here directly from South Africa.
Warrick: Yeah... and we didn't even need Grissom in this one!!
Grissom was quite busy with Sara at the time.
All the CSI in a band and Grissom's in charge
Greg:Is mayanoise an instrument?!
Grissom annoyed:No!
Greg:Oh...
*to all spongebob fans!
CSI's at a picnic
Nick:Hey Cath, can you pass the Heine please?
Catherine:Ooooh! Nick you want some of my 'heine'?
Nick:No, i was refering to the ketchup.
Catherine:Oh..... *looks taken aback*
SCENE: The Lab are all the grave site getting Nick, but this time Hodges DOESN'T get through to Catherine and before the eyes: KABOOM..
Warrick: NO Nick!!!! No!!!!!
Starts to sob...as Nick's body parts are strewn everywhere..
Grissom sigh, puts his arm around Warrick and says:
Grissom:It's funny, isn't it? How your best friend can just blow up like that?
*the team is standing in a circle*
Greg: Put your whole self in and you shake it all about...
Grissom: You shake it very well, Sara
Sara: Can we try it later without all these clothes?
You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself about...That's what it's all about...
*the whole group is singing again while dancing in a circle*
"Ring around the rosie, pocket full of posies, ashes ashes, all fall down*
Grissom: Sara, you don't know much I wanna make out with you right here and now
Nick: oh please, if you two get to, I'm doing it with Cath
Warrick: Nu-uh, she's mine
Cath: Come on, don't argue, there's enough for both of you.
Greg: Hey, why don't I get anyone?
Ecklie: Because it would just be gross
Grissom: Well, Greg what are the results?
Greg: Nick is right, and Sara is wrong.
Nick: Awright!
Sara: Here's your 20 bucks. GRRR!!!
Catherine: Right about what?
Nick: That if you played "Saving Me" in one speaker and "How You Remind Me" or any other Nickelback song in the other on your computer, you wouldn't be able to tell that 2 different songs were being played!
Catherine: Well, DUUUHH!!!!
Ecklie: But, but I'm too SEXY to be arrested!!!
<intercom> Dr. Grissom, someone is here to see you.
Grissom: Duuuude, it's been FOR-EV-ER!
Picard: What's up, my home-bug?
Grissom: Not much, man. Oh, hey, did you hear? My boss's a Borg.
Picard: Really? Can I kill him?
Grissom: Only if I can help.
Sara: I'm in too! Only, I can't actually kill him, because I have psychological issues. Speaking of psychological issues, where's Catherine? I think Greg might have sucked her into his Pirates of the Caribbean fantasy.
Sara: This is a modified fully automatic 45-caliber Glock. <tosses it to Grissom>
Picard: Fire at will, Number One.
Grissom: <kills Ecklie> Adjust to that frequency, bitch. <to Picard> Hey, since when am I your Number One?
Picard: I fired Riker. He kept putting his leg up on the furniture and seducing alien princesses.
Grissom: His "manly" poses make me laugh.
Sara: His beard pales in comparison to yours.
Picard: Oh, yes, yes, definitely.
Sara: We are better than him.
Grissom: Absolutely. We are better than Riker. Smarter. We don't have a collection of interstellar STDs, do we?
Catherine: Men are good.
sara: grissom do you want to sleep with me
grissom: did you just say what i think you said? *grins
sara: yea why hot stuff?
grissom: because i want you now over this desk!!!!
Greg: (Singing and dancing) POOOOOO ON YOU! POO-POO! POO-POO! I really gotta go POOOOOO ON YOU! POO-POO! POO-POO!
(Grissom walks in, sees this, hears Greg's singing, makes an ugly face)
Grissom: THAT'S IT GREG! YOU'RE FIRED!!!
Greg: WHAT? WHY!!!!???
Grissom: Making fun of our show's themesong... that's ground for dismissal. First Bruckheimer 3:16, punk! Now GET THE HELL OUTTA MY LAB!!!
(Greg hangs his head over and slumps out of the lab, dejectedly.)
Greg: Guess what?
Sara: What?
Greg: Your Face! Lol(He says the letters instead of loling) Yeah...Whatever (Walks away)
Sara: Wtf.
Grissom: I..like..big butts and I cannot lie!
*Grissom is stripping*
Cath: What the?
Gris: I'm evidence...another full body tackle
Warrick: This still isn't the best strip show in Vegas
Fangirls: Come on, take it all off!
Gris: They think so
Warrick: What do they know, they live in the gutter. They'd have us all naked if TV would allow it
Gris: You could always let Ecklie strip for them, that'd take care of 'em for a while.
Warrick: Ewwww...maybe it'll work!
*Ecklie strips and all the fangirls run away*
Gris: Ahh, quiet
Warrick Not for long...
Grissom:I got fired you guys...
ALL:Why?!
Grissom:I "accidentally" hit Ecklie in the balls with a baseball bat.
ALL:*screams of laughter*
*all CSIs minus Sara sitting in the breakroom. It's 30 minutes after shift starts.*
Grissom: This is unlike Sara to be late...
Warrick: Maybe her car broke down.
*Sara runs in, wearing pink bunny slippers and T-shirt and shorts* SORRY I'M LATE!!!
Sofia: uh....Sara....?
Sara: What? I'm ready, just hand me a case!
Cath: You're forgetting something.
Sara: oh? Like what? *is oblivious*
Warrick: Your kit.
Sara: Oops.
Greg: Pants.
Sara: Crap.
Nick: Gun.
Sara: Crap.
Grissom: Shoes and Cellphone.
Sara: CRAP.
*Sara walks into break room, reading the paper.*
*CRUNCH*
Sara: What was that? And what's that little screaming noise?
*something screams in a tiny voice*
Sara: *looks around, sees nothing. Shrugs, walks to couch.*
*every step emitts a little scream*
Sara: Wait a minute.... *lifts shoe*
*one of grissom's tarantulas is half squished on the bottom of her shoe, making little helpless screams*
Sara: Oh...no...
*grissom walks in* *sara slams foot onto ground, hiding the evidence*
Grissom: Sara, have you seen poopsie, my screaming tarantula? He's very sensitive and I'd hate if he got hurt.
Sara: *shakes head quickly* No! not at all!
Griss: okay... *turns to walk away, hear's a little scream*
Sara: 0.0
Griss: Sara.... was that... Poopsie?
Sara: 0.0 *makes a mad dash*
Grissom chases, screaming POOPSIE, NO!!
Greg: What....just...happened?
Cath: ....Sara?....Grissom?...Poopsie?
Sofia: brass, you see that camera over there above the interrogation door?
Brass: Yup.
Sofia: Go turn it off.
Suspect: *is heard screaming, along with thudding noises*
Greg is sitting in his DNA office, writing something
Grissom: Hey Greg.
Greg: Briefly looks up Hey Griss....Stops, then looks up again
Grissom: What? Has hair spiked wildly, band t-shirt, jeans, and bracelets
Greg:... where'd you get those clothes...
Grissom: I couldn't get into my home, so I broke into yours... I hope it's okay... don't worry, I'm not wearing your underwear...
Greg: Oh dear God.. runs towards the door
Grissom: yelling OH! AND I CLOGGED YOUR SINK WHEN I SHAVED...AND YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET A NEW HOUSE COAT!!!
<Greg has given Grissom Jack Sparrow's magical compass>
Grissom: <tap tap> I know what I want, I know what I want... <looks at it>
Compass: <pointing back and forth between Sara and Greg>
Grissom: Damn it, damn it! <tap tap> I know what I want... show me some evidence...
Ecklie: PUT DOWN THE COMPASS. WE WILL ASSIMILATE YOU. <bleep, bloop> <machinery grind>
Grissom: <sigh>
<processing a case in the woods>
Greg: Hey, look at me, I'm Tarzan *swings on rope*
Gris: Watch out for that...
Greg: *THUD* *whimper* ow...
Gris: Tree...
Sara: *walks into DNA lab* Hey Greg, could you burn these songs onto a disc for me? I need something to block Cath out.
Greg: *reads over list* 0_o What did she do this time? Even I don't listen to this much Korn at once.
Sara: *grins* What? At least I'm not taking it out on you guys this time.
Greg: *shrugs and nods, proceeds to burn disc*
Greg: Sara, Sara! I got a new joke!
Sara: *annoyed* Do I have to do this?
Greg: Please?
Sara: *sigh* Okay...
Greg: Knock-knock
Sara: Who's there?
Greg: Cowsgo
Sara: Cowsgo who?
Greg: No, they say "moo"
Sara: So I was on the internet and I found the strangest thing.
Grissom: Makes a dead stop. What...?
Sara: I don't know, lemme show you.
They walk into his office and get on the computer
Sara: Look
They get on the GSR thread and a huge picture of them in their bedroom pops up.
Grissom and Sara: Shippers.
Grissom: You sit here, dear.
Catherine: All right.
Grissom: Morning!
Sofia: Morning!
Grissom: Well, what've you got?
Sofia: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;
Nick, Greg, Warrick, Brass: Spam spam spam spam...
Sofia (frusterated): ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...
Nick, Greg, Warrick and Brass: Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Sofia: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Catherine: Have you got anything without spam?
Sofia: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Catherine: I don't want ANY spam!
Warrick: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Catherine: THAT'S got spam in it!
Warrick: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Nick,Grissom, Greg and Brass: Spam spam spam spam... (Crescendo through next few lines...)
Catherine: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Sofia: Urgghh!
Catherine: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Grissom, Warrick, Nick, Greg and Brass: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Sofia: Shut up!
Grissom, Brass, Nick, Greg and Warrick: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Sofia: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody CSIs! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
Catherine: I don't like spam!
Nick: Sshh, darling, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Warrick, Greg, Grissom and Brass: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Sofia: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Nick: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Sofia: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the CSIs drown her words)
CSIs: (Singing elaborately...) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!
Sara: I don't have any friends.
Grissom: *grins* I know what will cheer you up!
Sara: Not today Grissom, I'm not in the mood for that.
Grissom: I think you are...*puts on banana costume, grabs maracas, and begins to dance* It's peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time! Where ya at? Where ya at? There ya go. There ya go. Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!
Greg: Hey, Gris, did I ever tell you that I had a sister?
Grissom: Is this going to be a short story or a novel?
Greg: A little bit of both: it's a haiku!! *clears throat*
Grissom: Just tell me her name, Greg!!
Greg: Her name's Kaira... she's 18 years old... and she is not here.
Grissom: Then why are you telling me about her?
Greg: BECAUSE I NEVER GET ENOUGH SCREENTIME!!! *stalks off, almost runs into Nick*
Nick: Whoa, what crawled up his butt and died?
Grissom: My racing cockroaches.
Grissom: *begins strumming a guitar while the rest sit around him* Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap, asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap, he said all you need to is to write them a song, now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along... no don't sing along!!!!
[dramatically looks at Catherine]
"catherine, catherine! I want to do you in my saturn! forget about Warrick, he's actually doing nick!"
[looks towards Greg]
"And please tell Greggo, I've stolen all his LEGGOOOOo!!"
[looks to Sara and Brass]
"Sara and JIm Brass! You can kiss my a-ass!"
Merry Christmas everyone!
*everyone: Holy crap.
Brass: Looks like this party turned deadly. *glances at Grissom]
Grissom: ....
Brass: Griss?
Grissom: I think I've used all of my witty last lines before the commercials.
Brass: *Gasps*
Grissom comes in like 3 hours late for work because he accidentally slept in.
Catherine: Were were you!
Grissom: Uhhh...didn't you hear...about the circus animals? They got loose and took hostages. I was one of the hostages! The gazelles were dancing on my chest!
*5 minutes later*
Ecklie: You're in trouble Grissom, where have you been?
Grissom: Well...*laughs nervously* I was driving here and my muffler was...dragging...and a spark set a woman's sundress on fire! I had to use my body as a human blanket and....*trails off*
Ecklie: OMG! Was she okay?
Grissom: *walks away* What an idiot! I can't believe he fell for that
Setting: The team is sitting in the break room and Ecklie walks in. Conspiratorial winks are shared and everyone stands up.
GRISSOM: *clears his throat* “Two four six eight. Who do we appreciate?”
EVERYONE: *joins in* “Conrad Conrad … rah rah rah.”
ECKLIE: *listens and looks surprised and then pleased that people like him*
EVERYONE: *continues* “Flush him down the toilet … Ha ha ha.”
ECKLIE: *His pleased expression falls and is replaced by a look of horror.*
EVERYONE: *more cheery voices* “Up the sewer, down the sewer. Right into some cow manure.”
ECKLIE: *sputters and then runs from the room*
EVERYONE: *smiles are present at a job well done.*
SARA: *sighs* “Too bad it wasn’t a pile of decomp.”
Grissom: (singing) Oh, I'm a CSI and I'm okay. I work all night and I sleep all day!
Brass, Catherine, Greg, Nick, Doc Robbins, and Sara: (Singing) Yes, he's a CSI and he's okay! He works all night and he sleeps all day!
Grissom: (singing) I process scenes, I collect trace, I like to raise wild bugs! I like to check out Ca-therine's ass, or as Sam Braun says "Muggs"!
(Catherine looks shocked and annoyed and stomps off.)
Brass, Greg, Nick, Doc Robbins, and Sara: (Singing) Yes, he's a CSI and he's okay! He works all night and he sleeps all day!
Grissom: (singing) I run prints, I simulate, I order Greg around! I put up with Ecklie's crap and visit whores in town!
(Greg looks annoyed now, and Sara suddenly looks itchy and uncomfortable. They both stomp off.)
Brass, Nick, and Doc Robbins: (Singing) Yes, he's a CSI and he's okay! He works all night and he sleeps all day!
Grissom: (singing) I watch TV, I eat my lunch, I check out decaying meat! While Doctor Robbins does autopsies, I massage his wife's bare feet!
(Doc Robbins now looks pissed off and he stomps off with his cane)
Brass and Nick: (Singing) Yes, he's a CSI and he's okay! He works all night and he sleeps all day!
Grissom: (singing) I go to court! I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra! I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my deaf old Ma!
Brass & Nick: WHAT?!?!? Awright! That's enough, you frigging fairy! WE QUIT!!!!
(They stomp off.)
Grissom: But guys! WAIT!!!!
Suspect: *points gun at Nick*
Nick: Sorry to have to tell you this, but this isn't the first time someone points a gun at me...
Suspect: *thinks* Ooh, can I stalk you and wear your clothes and move into your attic, then?
Nick: *bored sigh* Been there, done that.
Suspect: ...been buried alive?
Nick: *nods*
Suspect: *thinks for a minute* Okay, I'll.. I'll beat HIM up, then! *points to Greg*
Greg: *eyeroll*
Suspect: *turns to Brass*
Brass: Don't even think about it.
[Grissom enters lab where Greg is superglue-ing something]
Grissom: Any progress?
Greg: ...Oh, my God, you're beautiful! *stares*
Grissom: *raises eyebrow*
Greg: Are you God?
Grissom: *takes superglue from Greg* That's for fingerprints, not for sniffing, Greg.
Greg: *continues to stare*
Grissom: *leaves lab, shaking his head*
Greg: *looks around* Lights so pretty...
Grissom: Greg, can I talk to you for a minute?
Greg: Sure Boss, what's up?
Grissom: You may want to sit down, Greg.
Greg: *Sits Down*
Grissom: Greg, I am your father.
Nick: "I hate the word y'all!"
(Hodges walks into the break room. He sees Sara reading a magazine. Special effects shift to a Hodges'-eye view. Doing a Terminator style scan, he zooms in on Sara's neck and sees a hickey. Computer graphics draw an outline of the hickey. He then shifts his gaze over to Grissom, who's just taken a bite out of an apple and the image freezes. The outline of the hickey is then moved over to the apple bite and overlayed. The words "MATCH FOUND!" flash several times and beeping is heard.)
Hodges: HA HA HA!!! YOU GUYS ARE DOING IT!!! WHOO HOO!!! WAIT'LL I TELL ECKLIE!!!!
(Grissom gets in between Hodges and the door and then closes it.)
Grissom: (Evil voice) You're not going to tell anyone anything... ever... again...
(Grissom and Sara approach Hodges menacingly)
(Scene cuts to outside the closed break room)
Hodges: (Voice only) NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Greg: Griss, I brought you some lunch.
Grissom: (suspiciously) What's your agenda, Greg.
Greg: Griss, I'm a boy....I thought you knew.
(Ecklie lecturing the entire Graveyard shift on their crime solve rate. Nick and Warrick are dozing off, Greg listening to his iPod, Catherine barely paying attention, Sara staring at Grissom as he gets this playful smirk on his face.)
Sara(whispering): What are you doing?
Grissom(while reaching into his pocket): You'll see...
(Grissom pulls out a laser pointer and shines it on Ecklie's bald spot while he has his back turned to them)
Sara(suppressing a laugh):That's not right yet... not wrong at all!(She pulls out her own laser pointer and joins Grissom. Catherine sees this and nudges Nick and Warrick awake. All 3 start to laugh as they too pull out their own laser pointers and shine it on Ecklie's bald spot.)
All but Ecklie:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Ecklie(turning around): Exagtly what is so funny about a hit-and-run?
All laser beams point to Ecklie's... lower region as everyone but Ecklie starts to roll over with laughter.
(While passing by)Hodges: Well, at least now you can say you've got something down there, Conrad.
Gil Grissom: You're hot.
Chandra Moore: I-I'm sorry?
Gil Grissom: You're emanating heat. This is a new infrared camera. It's good for looking
at evidence in the dark. Did you get her blood yet?
<Grissom has an ant on his sleeve>
Grissom: SARA! SARA! AAAAHHH! HELP MEEE!
Sara: What is it?! What?!
Grissom: EEEEWWWW! IT'S YUCKY! EWIE EWIE EWWWW! There's a bug on my sleeve. <fluttery hands gesture> Get it off, getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!
Sara: <flick>
Ant: <flying through the air> Wheee! ^.^
Grissom: Whew. That was a close one.
Greg: Hey Grissom?
Grissom: Yeah?
Greg: You're weird.
Grissom: Thanks.
Greg: No, really, I mean it. You're weird. It's cool. <walks off>
Grissom: <blink blink>
Ecklie: <evil laughter>
<lightning flashes, thunder>
Ecklie: At last, my creation is complete!!
Later...
Grissom: Funny, that doesn't look like one of mine...
Ecklie: Bwahahah! He will never suspect I have hidden a robotic camera ant in his office! <evil laughter> <more thunder>
Catherine: <backing away slowly> <freezes> <runs away>
Greg: Everyone has a waterbuffalo mine is fast but yours is slow everbody has a waterbufaloooooo!
Sara: where's my water buffalo greg. why don't i have a water buffalo...
Grissom: Ecklie, you suck?
Ecklie: You think you can take on me, Grissom?
Grissom: BRING IT ON, BALDY!!!
Ecklie: Oh it's done already been BROUGHT!!!
(The two start to throw down, but Hodges and Greg show up and separate the two men who then growl and stare at eachother and then take off in opposite directions down the hallway.)
Grissom: Guess what, I'm getting married
*Murmurs of congrats*
Warrick: So who's the lucky girl? Sara?
Ecklie: *runs in*Hey Gil, I found the perfect tuxes! And the rings!
*Shocked looks*
Ecklie: Okay you creatures from the Black Lagoon! Listen up! I've brought you an intern who'll be shadowing some of you on your shifts this summer. She's a student at Hearst College in Southern California and she's studying Criminology and Forensics.
(Greg starts checking her out and looking like a big grinning puppy dog. However, this girl doesn't give him a second look. She then looks at Nick, and she goes all doe eyed.)
Ecklie: For some strange reason, she has requested to shadow the Night Shift, rather than my professional, elite corps on the day shift. However, since her dad used to the the Sheriff in that town, is a private investigator, and is my brother-in-law, I can't say no to her.
Greg: Can I ask her out on a date?
Ecklie: (Gets right in Greg's face) What part of NO don't you understand? I just said she's my frigging NIECE, Sanders! (Ecklie points two fingers at his own eyes and then one at Greg.) I got my eye on you. You so much as look at her cross-eyed, I'll be all over your ass like a hardened criminal in TDCJ on a new fish!
Greg: (Gulps) Sorry sir!
Grissom: (Stands up and shakes the girl's hand) We're always glad to have a student along that is interested in Forensics and Criminology. We're all going to do our best to make her feel welcome and show her the tools of the trade.
(The young woman is still looking doe-eyed at Nick, who gives her a quick wink with a twinkle in his eye and a confident smirk.)
Ecklie: Now that's what I wanted to hear. Everyone, meet my niece: Veronica Mars!!!
more monty python.....
Doc Robbins: I wish to make a complaint.
Ecklie: What's wrong?
Robbins: The parrot I bought here earlier is dead.
Ecklie: Oh, the Norweign Blue. Beatiful Plummage!
He's just resting.....
Robbins: He's deceased.
Ecklie: He's pining for the fjords.
Robbins: He's not pining. He's passed on! The only reason he was standing on his perch was becaused he'd been nailed
there!
Ecklie: He's just resting.
Robbins: Well, then let's wake him up! (bangs dead parrot on counter) Hello, Polly!
Ecklie: What are doing?!
Robbins: He's dead! He's pushing up the daises!This is an EX-PARROT!
Ecklie: I never wanted to be a pet a shop owner. I wanted to be a Lumberjack! (sings lumberjack song)
Doc Robbins: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
Grissom: Here you go.
Victim: I'm not dead yet.
Grissom: Yes you are, be good now.
Victim: But I'm not dead, I feel HAPPY!
Doc Robbins: He's not quite dead.
Grissom: He will be shortly, can't you come back?
Doc Robbins: Not 'til next Thursday.
Grissom: Isn't there something you can do?
(Doc Robbins bashes victim with his cane)
Grissom walks into the lab.
*Clunka clunka*
Grissom: What was that, Greg?
Greg: What was what?
Grissom: What was that noise?
Greg: Oh, that was Waldo. He is our new sound effects man. Law & Order has the "doink doink* sound. Now we have Waldo and his "clunka clunka."
random interviewer: "What would you do for a klandik bar?"
Griss: "I'd kill a bug."
Cath: "I'd stop looking for a man."
Warrick: "I'd shave my head."
Nick: "I'd sit in a small box."
Sara: "I'd admit that I'm not the best CSI on the team."
Greg: "You name it, I'll do it."
Here's some more on that one...
Grissom: I'd never quote Shakespeare again.
Greg: I'd never try to impress Grissom again.
Sara: I'd eat a steak.(I know. It's not right.)
Nick: "Hey, Greg, what's that you're eating?"
Greg: "Tofu salad."
Nick: "Salad?!"
Greg: "Salad. It's good, wanna try some?"
Nick: *faints*
Ecklie: I'm the King of Vegas!
Greg: If you're the King of Vegas, then I'm Straight!
Greg: (singing) I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me!
Grissom, Brass, Warrick, Nick: (singing) He's just a poor boy from a poor family! Spare him his life from this monstrousity!
Greg: (singing) Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
Ecklie and Several LVMPD Officers: (They cuff him) (singing) Bismillah! NO! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Grissom, Brass, Warrick, Nick: (singing) LET HIM GO!!!
Ecklie and Several LVMPD Officers: (singing) Bismillah! NO! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Grissom, Brass, Warrick, Nick: (singing) LET HIM GO!!!
Ecklie and Several LVMPD Officers: (singing) WILL NOT LET YOU GO! WILL NOT LET YOU GO!WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Grissom, Brass, Warrick, Nick: (singing) Magnificooooooooo!!!
Ecklie and Several LVMPD Officers: (singing) NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!
Greg: (singing) Oh Mama-mia! Mama-mia! Mama-mia Let me go!!!
Entire crew:(singing) Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me.... For Me.... FOR MEEEEEEEE!!!!
Grissom: This wound looks unusual.
Doc Robbins: I have seen this before. There was this one time back in the war when...
Grissom: Doc, you've been talking to Ducky over at NCIS again, haven't you? Picking up his bad habits again.
*Meanwhile in the NCIS basement*
Ducky and Abby (holding brooms as guitars): Who are you? Who who...who who... Who are you? Who who... who who...
Gibbs: Picking up Doctor Robbins bad habits again?
CSI does Austin Powers
Ecklie to Greg: Zip it!
Greg: What?
Ecklie: Zip it!
Greg: Wait a...
Ecklie: Look, I'm "Zippy Longstockings".
Greg: But...
Ecklie: Zippa Zippa!
Greg: You're...
Ecklie: Zippa Zippa!
Greg: You're a child!
Ecklie: (Japanese gibberish) Translation: Zip it!
Greg: You're an overgrown child!
Ecklie: When a problem comes along, you must zip it. (whip crack) zip it good! Moving on.
Grissom: Ecklie, if we could put aside this squabble and get back to the business of your dominating the lab...
Ecklie: What do you want to wear the Daddy pants now?
Grissom: Well, I...
Ecklie: What are you going to do...cry?
(throws globe at Grissom and Grissom cries)
Ecklie to Catherine: And how is Greg?
Catherine: Oh he's wonderful. He's become so evil, he's losing his hair.
(Cut to a bald Greg in the lab, pinky finger poised near his mouth)
Greg: MWA-HA-HA-HA! MWA-HA-HA-HA! MWA-HA-HA-HA!
Greg: Wow, Hodges. Can you teach me me to dance like that?
Hodges: Sure thing, buddy. (shows Greg how to do the robot)
Greg: This will certainly impress Sara. Thanks, Hodges, you're the best!
Greg to Grissom:Yo, Griss, SHOW ME YOUR GRILL!
Grissom\smiles and he has platinum teeth)
Greg:YEEAH!
Hodges(in a high girlish voice):O-M-G! *shrieks*
Grissom: Greg, have you figured out who did it yet? Because I have no clue.
Greg: Ecklie did it!!
Grissom: Ecklie ate my chocolate covered ants?
Ecklie: They were delious.
Nick and Greg are playing Scrabble in the breakroom.
Nick: Greg, 'disdam' is not a word.
Greg: It certainly is!
Nick: Okay, prove it, use it in a sentence.
Greg: You're no good at disdam game
Hodges: Damnit, he put my stapler in jello again.
Points to Grissom
Hodges: You can be a witness to this.
Greg: eating jello How do you know it was me?
Doc Robbin's hauling a cart thru vegas
"Bring out yer dead!!... Bring out yer dead."
Warrick, Nick, Grissom, and Greg are all sitting in the breakroom
Sara: Guys, you are not going to believe what I'm about to tell you!
Everyone: What?
Sara: I'm gay!
Warrick, Greg and Nick in breakroom
Greg: No, you should have seen her. Remember Nick's case, and the little girl with all the bubblegum, well, Sara couldn't dust the kitchen-said the print dust was "getting to her..."
Nick: Here's one. Remember when Brass was in the hospital...I could have sworn her clothes were getting baggier.
Warrick: Wait, guys. I didn't start to notice until she got that suspicious package recently...How many times has this woman been pregnant?
Sara walks in. Guys stare at her.
Sara: I'm NOT PREGNANT!!
Sara rolls her eyes and walks off
Grissom is handing out assignments
Grissom: To Nick and Warrick I have two left - one involves Ecklie and decomp and the other, you get to work with Catherine. Catherine waves at them and guys begin to drool
Warrick: We are battling this one out with the Rockem Sockem Robots! Warrick reaches under table and grabs the Rockem Sockem Robots
Nick: You are going down! We're playin out of 3, man!
(team places bets on guys)
Greg: Have you seen Gris lately?
Nick: No, why?
Greg: I think he ate Warrick.
Nick: Wha-
Grissom walks in. Nick stares at his beard and gets wide-eyed.
Nick: To Grissom's stomach. It's OKAY WARRICK, WE'RE GONNA GET YOU OUT OF THERE!
WARRICK: How you boys doin'?
As WARRICK and GREG talk, NICK moves behind the young Guys.
WARRICK: We're associates of your business partner Conrad Ecklie. You do remember your business partner dont' ya?
No answer.
WARRICK (to GREG) Now I'm gonna take a wild guess... here: you're Greg, right?
GREG: Yes.
WARRICK: I thought so. Looks like me and Nick caught you at breakfast. Sorry 'bout that. What'cha eatin'?
GREG: Hamburgers.
WARRICK: Hamburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kinda hamburgers?
GREG: Cheeseburgers.
WARRICK: No, I mean where did you get'em? MacDonald's, Wendy's, Jack-in-the-Box, where?
GREG: Big Kahuna Burger.
WARRICK: Big Kahuna Burger. That's that Hawaiian burger joint. I heard they got some tasty burgers. I ain't never had one myself, how are they?
GREG: They're good.
WARRICK: Mind if I try one of yours?
GREG: No.
WARRICK: Yours is this one, right?
GREG: Yeah.
WARRICK grabs the burger and take a bite of it.
WARRIC: Uuummmm, that's a tasty burger. (to NICK)
Nick, you ever try a Big Kahuna Burger?
NICK: No.
WARRICK holds out the Big Kahuna.
WARRICK: You wanna bite, they're real good.
NICK: I ain't hungry.
WARRICK: Well, if you like hamburgers give 'em a try sometime. Me, I can't usually eat 'em 'cause my girlfriend Tina’s a vegetarian. Which more or less makes me a vegetarian, but I sure love the taste of a good burger.
(to GREG)
You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?
GREG: No.
WARRICK: Tell 'em, NICK.
NICK: Royale with Cheese.
WARRICK: Royale with Cheese, you know why they call it that?
GREG: Because of the metric system?
WARRICK: Check out the big brain on Greg. You'a smart mother!@#!@$!@er, that's right. The metric system.
Warrick: (holding a gun on Greg) Now, descsribe to me what Conrad Ecklie looks like!
Greg: He's... White...
Warrick: Go on...
Greg: ... and he's... he's bald...
Warrick: Does he look like a biatch?
Greg: What?
(Warrick shoots Greg in the shoulder, causing Greg to shriek in pain like a little girl)
Warrick: Answer the question mutha!#$!@#@er! Does Conrad Ecklie look like a biatch?
Greg: YES!!!!
Warrick: Okay... he does at that...
Grissom: You like Gladiator Movies, Greggie?
(Greg gets a sick look on his face and then runs away as fast as he can)
Suspect: *points gun at Nick*
Nick: Sorry to have to tell you this, but this isn't the first time someone points a gun at me...
Suspect: *thinks* Ooh, can I stalk you and wear your clothes and move into your attic, then?
Nick: *bored sigh* Been there, done that.
Suspect: ...been buried alive?
Nick: *nods*
Suspect: *thinks for a minute* Okay, I'll.. I'll beat HIM up, then! *points to Greg*
Greg: *eyeroll*
Suspect: *turns to Brass*
Brass: Don't even think about it.
[Grissom enters lab where Greg is superglue-ing something]
Grissom: Any progress?
Greg: ...Oh, my God, you're beautiful! *stares*
Grissom: *raises eyebrow*
Greg: Are you God?
Grissom: *takes superglue from Greg* That's for fingerprints, not for sniffing, Greg.
Greg: *continues to stare*
Grissom: *leaves lab, shaking his head*
Greg: *looks around* Lights so pretty...
Grissom: Greg, can I talk to you for a minute?
Greg: Sure Boss, what's up?
Grissom: You may want to sit down, Greg.
Greg: *Sits Down*
Grissom: Greg, I am your father.
Greg: I give up! Let's just say Ecklie's the Miniture Killer.
Gil: Good idea. That would kill two birds with one stone!
Cath: I'm not sure that anyone would believe you. Ecklie just isn't that smart.
Brass: So where were you at the night of the murder ?
Suspect: What is this, the Spanish Inquestion?
Gil, Nick, and Greg: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISTION!!!
Grissom: You guys have been Punk'd. I'M THE MINITURE KILLER
Greg: *singing* I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner!
Hodges: Wow. Sanders, just what is in that coffee of yours?
Greg: Drink some and find out. Weeee!!!!!
Psychiatrist: So, Mr. Hodges, what seems to be your problem?
Hodges: The people I work with keep calling me a labrat.
Psychiatrist: And you have a problem with that?
Hodges: Well, rats are such filthy dumb creatures.
Psychiatrist: You have a point. Would you like some cheese?
Grissom: *whispiring* Greg, time for me to switch to Super Bugman.
Greg: I'll go warm up the Bug Mobile.
(Theme song playing) Da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da.... BUGMAN!!!
(Video shows Grissom in Purple Leotard and Tights with a lime green cape and trunks on the outside, and Fake Antenna, looking much like Adam West by the end of the 1969 season of Batman, with Greg in a red speedo, black vest, black cape and black mask glued around his eyes. Logo says "Bugman and Worm-boy!!!!")
Catherine: You guys won't believe what I found on the Internet. It's a music video and you won't believe who's in it.
Gil: Is that Greg?
Sara: Wow.
Nick & Warrick: oh my
*Greg walks in*
Greg: What are you guys...*sees* I can explain!
Sara: Really?
Greg: Maybe not.
Greg, Sara, Catherine, Wendy and Mandy walk up to the dance bar, dressed in lingerie and pink feather boas (yes even Greg..because I imagine Greg doing such a thing) and start snapping their fingers and stare intensly at Nick who starts shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
Then they sing:
The minute you walked in the joint (hip swivel)
I knew that you were a men of distinction
A real big spender..
Good looking, so defined
How'd you like to know whats going on my mind
So let me get right to the point (hip swivel)
I don't pop my cork for every guy I see..
They all come out from behind the dance bar and sashay over to Nick, draping their boas over him..
Hey big spender
Spend a little time with me..
Nick sits up in bed screaming...then sighs to his relief that it's a dream...
Suddenly Greg sits up beside Nick, still in lingerie and a pink feather boa..
Greg: Hey big spender..
Nick: aaaaaaaaaaa
Grissom: I'm kind of psychic. I have a fifth sense.
Catherine: What do you mean?
Grissom: It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's gonna rain.
Catherine: Really? That's amazing.
Grissom: Well, they can tell when it's raining.
Grissom: Oh, my God! I love your skirt. Where did you get it?
Sara: It was my mom's in the 70's.
Grissom: Vintage. So adorable.
Sara: Thanks. (She walks away)
Grissom to Catherine: That is the ugliest F-ing skirt I've ever seen.
Wendy: Is it true the miniatures are keeping Grissom up all night?
Sara: No, but I know what does. *grins*
( The song is the one jingle I think people might remember from A&W ))
Setting: The Gang is walking out of the lab after a hard shift.
All: Let's all go to A&W
Nick: Foods more fun at A&W
Sara: We'll have a mug of rootbeer
Greg: Or maybe two or three
Catherine: And pick the perfect size
Warrick: From the burger family...
All: Hey let's all go to A&W
Grissom: I can taste it now - can't you
Brass: Hop in the car
Hodges (from unseen location): Come as you are
All: To A&W!
*The CSI guys go into a gentlemans club. They take a seat and the show begins. The Pink Panther song comes on and out come Sara, Catherine and Sofia doing a strip tease.*
Greg: Now we know what they do in their spare time...
*The guys start looking embarrased and try to look away. Suddenly Ecklie comes up behind them and starts doing his own strip tease. The guys look horrified and run out*
*The girls turn around, and seeing Ecklie they run off stage, screaming*
Sofia: So thats what Ecklie does on his days off...
Catherine: Man, that's just gross! I'm gonna have nightmares for ages now....
Sara: There is a lot that I don't wanna know about in Ecklie's life that I did not want to know about. That was one of them....
*Catherine runs into Grissom's office singing 'Don't Cha' by the Pussy Cat Dolls*
Catherine: Don't cha wish Sara was hot like me! Don't you wish Sara was fun like me! Don't cha? Don't ya baby, don't cha?
Grissom: GREG! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?! STOP SPIKING THE COFFEE WITH DRUGS!!!!!
Doc Robbins: Hea Nick, you wanna hear a song?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Doc Robbins: All right stop collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle
Dance go rush to the speaker that booms
I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it you better gain weight
You better hit bull's eye the kid don't play
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
ice ice baby vanilla ice ice baby vanilla ice ice baby vanilla ice ice baby vanilla
Grissom: Greg...
Greg: Huh?
Grissom: I love you.
Greg: Are you on crack?
Sara walks into Grissom's office
Sara: We need to talk
Grissom: Sure
Sara: I am gay
Grissom: So am I
*Ecklie is in the lab. He looks around, and not seeing anyone, he turns on the radio. The song 'Fergalicious' comes on. He starts dancing and singing*
Ecklie: Fergalicous definition make the boys go loco.
They want my treasure so they get their pleasures from my photo...
*He keeps dancing but does not see Greg who is silently filming him. After Ecklie is finished, Greg runs to Grissom's office where he pulls out the tape (called Blackmail). The other CSIs gather round to watch what Greg has got. Ecklie's song and dance come on, and the CSIs burst out laughing.*
Catherine: Oh man! This is just too much!
Nick: How'd you get this on tape Greg?
Greg: I have my ways...
Continuation:
Two days later, Ecklie is surfing the Net during his lunch break and goes to YouTube.com; The camera zooms in and shows a link to "Most Popular Download of the Week"
Ecklie: I bet this'll be good (he takes a sip of his Diet Coke)
(Suddenly, he sees the video of himself, dancing and singing "Fergalicious" in his pink thong and he spits Diet Coke all over the monitor)
Ecklie: (voice heard outside the office) AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! SANNNNDEEEERRRRRRSSS!!!! I'M GONNA MURDER YOU!!!
(Cut to the break room where the night shift hears this)
Grissom: Greg! Out the window! Now!
(Warrick and Nick give him a boost and he jumps out the window and runs off. Grissom, Warrick and Nick resume their nonchalant breakroom activities as Ecklie comes in)
Ecklie: Grissom! Where is Greg Sanders? He's in DEEP DOO DOO NOW!!!
Grissom: (Sotto voice) Whatever do you mean, Conrad?
Ecklie: He used... uh... Department Resources... for uh... Entertainment purposes!
Nick: You mean... for this: (Nick picks up his laptop and begins playing the video)
Ecklie: (his face is turning red and smoke starts to come out his ears) GAAGGGHH!!!!! YES! THAT ONE!!!!
Warrick: Well... looking at the surroundings, it *looks like* one of the Labs here at the Crime Lab. Now last I checked, Pink Thongs weren't on the dress code... am I wrong?
Grissom and Nick: No... no.... you're right, Warrick.
(Ecklie storms out Rassum-frassuming as he stomps on. Nick, Warrick and Grissom fall on the floor lauging their asses off.)
*Grissom is searching in his office and tipping everything upside down*
Grissom: WHERE THE HELL IS THAT TARANTULA?!?!
*Nick and Greg walk in*
Greg: Uh, Grissom, what are you searching for?
Grissom: My tarantula! You havn't seen him? He's called George he's very special to me!
*Nick slowly lifts his shoe up and sees a squashed spider. Realisation dawns on him and he quickly puts his foot down. Grissom see's this.*
Grissom: What's that?
Nick: Nothing...
Grissom: *lifts Nick's shoe* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GEORGE! YOU STOOD ON GEORGE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*Christmas time at the lab*
Greg: Grissom, can I have a month off?
Grissom: No.
Greg: Awww! Please?
Grissom: Why...?
Greg: *bounces up and down* I wanna see Santa Claus and see if he's real!
Greg: (Opening his Christmas Gift) Oooooooo, Liquid Latex, who got me this? (flips the package over) From Grissom, WTF?
Nick: Greg, there is something I want to tell you... I...love you. Will you go out with me?
Greg: Yay! *jumps up and down* of course! I love you too! *hugs Nick*
Nick:... Woah...I've never had that reaction before...
Greg: Meow, Meow, Meow....
Grissom: WTF?
Greg: I want chicken, I want liver,
meow mix meow mix please deliver
*Grissom hands him a box of cat food*
Grissom: Happy now?
Greg: Thanks. *eats cat food*
We see a tumbleweed tumbling across the screen along various streets in Las Vegas. The Sons of the Pioneers' song "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" begins playing over the shots.
The Stranger: (Voiceover, Sam Sheppard providing the voice) A way out west there was once this feller... feller I wanna tell you about... A feller by the name of Gilbert Grissom...
(Video shows the interior of a Lucky's Supermarket in Vegas as it zooms in on Grissom, shopping early in the morning in his Bathrobe over some Madras shorts and a stained white V-neck undershirt, with sunglass on his face and wearing flip flops)
The Stranger: (Voiceover) At least that was the name his lovin' parents gave him. Only he never had much use for it himself. Instead he called himself, the Bug-dude! Hmph! Bug-dude! That's not a name anyone would hang on himself where I come from--not voluntarily anyhoo. But then a lot about the Bug-dude didn't make sense, including the place in which he lived.
(Grissom is seen inspecting cartons of half-n-half, looking at expiration dates. He finally opens one and sniffs it, getting some on his beard.)
The Stranger: (Voiceover) They say Las Vegas is the city of luck. I didn't find it to be that anyhoo. But I'll allow that there are some lucky folks there. But sometimes, there's a man... he's... wal... the man for his time'n place.
(We now see Grissom writing out a check to pay for the half-n-half, some still dripping from his mustache. He write's the check for $0.69 as a teenage cashier girl stands there absent-mindedly and chews gum)
The Stranger: (Voiceover) And that's the Bug-dude, in Las Vegas...
(Grissom is seen making his way back into his apartment carrying his CSI kit and the grocery bag with the half-n-half)
The Stranger: (Voiceover) Ah Hell! I done innerduced him enough... Ya'll just watch...
(As Grissom comes on into his apartment, he doesn't notice that Hodges--with surfer long hair--and Archie are inside, by the door, leaning against the wall. He stops for a second with a "Huh?" look on his face when suddenly Hodges grabs Grissom from behind and pushes him towards the bathroom, pushing Grissom's head into the toilet bowl.)
Hodges: Where's the Evidence, Grissom! Cath said you're good for it!!! Where's the *bleeping* evidence Grissom? WHERE'S THE BLEEPING EVIDENCE, *BLEEP*HEAD?!?!?!
Grissom: (Sputtering as Hodges lifts his head back up) Uh... I think it's down there somewhere... lemme take another look!!!
Hodges: Don't... *BLEEP* with us! Your wife owes evidence to Warrick Brown, that means YOU owe evidence to Warrick Brown!
(Archie has moved over to the center of Grissom's living room--visible from the bathroom. He turns his back to Grissom, we hear his fly unzip and he turns his head to Grissom.)
Archie: Ever thus to deadbeats, Grissom! (Archie begins urinating on Grissom's Oriental Rug)
Grissom: No... don't do that... not on the rug... man...
Hodges: You see what happens, Grissom? You see what happens?
Grissom: Grissom? Nobody calls me Grissom! You got the wrong guy, I'm the Bug-Dude... man!
Hodges: You're name is Grissom, Grissom. Your wife is Catherine.
Grissom: My wife... Catherine? Does this place look like I'm *bleep*ing married? The toilet seat's up, man!
(Grissom fishes his Sunglasses out of the toilet, puts the seat back down, sits on the toilet seat and puts his sunglasses back on Horatio Caine style. Hodges suddenly looks confused.)
Hodges: Archie?
Archie: Yeah? (Archie has finished relieving himself on the rug and is zipping up his pants)
Hodges: Isn't he supposed to be a Coroner something?
Archie: *BLEEP!*
Hodges: Yeah. Whaddaya think?
Archie: He looks like a *BLEEP*ing loser!
Grissom: Hey! At least I'm housebroken!
(Archie and Hodges begin exiting Grissom's apartment)
Archie: *Bleep*ing time wasted!
Hodges: Thanks a lot, @$$hole!
(Hodges slams the door closed)
Cathrine: Greg, will you give me your hand...
Greg: I thought you'd never ask! Of course I'll marry you!
Cathrine: ...I need to make a cast for a ballistics model.
Greg walks into the break room, where all the other CSI's are waiting.
Greg: I sent you a memo today because I have an announcement to make. I've done some soul-searching and have decided to leave my rocker self behind and turn over a new leaf.
CSI's: *jump up and cheer, high-five each other*
Greg:...in order to build up some street cred. *pulls out baseball cap and puts in on sideways, untucks shirt and pulls pants down*
CSI's: O_O
Sarain break room)Since we hit a snag in our case what do you say you teach me some of those dance moves you're hiding away.
Catherine: I thought you'de never ask. *jumps on table*
(Sara begins to dance with Catherine. A few seconds later Greg walks in and faints on the spot)
Grissom: Greg, as your punishment for losing that evidence, I'm going to have to give you a spanking.
Catherine: Grissom, I brought you an extra pair of gloves.
Grissom: Thanks!
Catherine: You're welcome.
Grissom: Ummm... Catherine. What do I do with these? *holds up the glvoes*
Cathrine: ?:o??
Catherine: I think you put them on your head. I see Greg do it.
Grissom: Okay. *puts the gloves on his head* This is much better than that hat.
(Grissom and Greg are at a Forensics conference and have to share a hotel room. They are sleeping in the same bed since the hotel only had a king bed room and no more 2 queen bed rooms. Greg is trying to drift off to sleep, while Grissom is already asleep.)
Grissom: SNNNAAARRRRKKKKKKK!!!!
Greg: Grrrr!!! (Covers his head with a pillow)
Grissom: FINGLE-SNAP!!!! UUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!
(Greg pulls out two corks and sticks them in his ears.)
Grissom: SNNNERRRRGGGHHH!!! SNNNAAAARRRKKKK!!!
(The vibrations of Greg's continued snoring cause the corks to fall out of his ears and awaken him again. Greg shakes himself off looks over at Grissom and shakes his head. Grissom has begun drooling as well, which doesn't help things. Greg reaches under the bed and pulls out a GIANT CORK and shoves it in Grissom's mouth)
Grissom: (much softer) zzzzzzz.... zzzzzzz...
Greg: Ahhh.... (He begins to drift off to sleep)
Grissom: thhhpptthh... Thppppthhh... THHHPPPPTTHH.... (Suddenly, the giant cork flies out of Grissom's mouth and begins riccocheting all around the room, nailing Greg in the butt, waking him up and causing Grissom to snore more loudly.)
Greg: I don't see how Sara puts up with this!
(Greg goes to the far side of the room with one of the blankets and a pillow, rolls over in the corner and starts to drift off to sleep.)
Grissom: (He is now sleepwalking and has a baseball bat in his hand. He has walked over to Greg and begins hitting him with it, repeatedly) IT'S A SPIDER!!! A SPIDER!!! GET IT OFFA ME!!! GET IT OFFA ME!!!
Greg: OW! OW! NO GRISSOM! IT'S ME!!! GREG SANDERS!!! GREG SANDERS!!!
(Grissom suddenly stops and retreats back to the bed. Greg now grabs his pillow and blanket and goes out in the hall. He lies down, curls up and again drifts off to sleep.)
Grissom: (Has sleepwalked out the door into the hallway, again with a baseball bat and begins whacking Greg repeatedly!) SPPIIIIDDDDEERRRSSS!!!
Greg: OW! OW! OW! OW!!!
Grissom: Hodges?
Hodges: I ran that thing with the stuff for you.
Grissom: And?
Hodges: It was all like, "WHOOOOSSSHHHH" and then the thing went "BOOM" and I was all "AHHH!".
Grissom: Whoa.
Hodges: Look at the colors maaaaaan.
*before opening credits*
Grissom: I think I feel a fart coming on...
*WHOOOOOOOOO ARE YOUUU....
Grissom: Look, a body with a decapitated head. I think it's a dead body. *puts on sunglasses*
*WHOOOOOOO ARE YOUUU......
Catherine:So I hear the suspect tried to strangle you.
Grissom:Yeah,my whole life flahed before my eyes....it was really boring.
Hodges: Hey Sara, how you feeling'?
Sara: I feel like I was hit by a truck.
Hodges: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. By the way, I can't stop by and see you tomorrow.
Sara: Why not?
Hodges: I have to take my truck in to get some dents repaired.
(The crew is behind the alley looking through all the garbage containers [actual quotes in italics])
WARRICK: I think I found the victim's internal organs.
CATHERINE: I think I can confirm the victim's male.
GRISSOM: I think I found popcorn. ::crunchcrunch:: MMM it's still fresh. You guys want some?
Grissom: *Take a look at my girlfriend, she's the only one I got*
Hodges: *BadadaDA*
Greg: *Not much of a girlfriend? Never seem to get a lot?*
Hodges: *BadadaDA-BadadaDA*
Greg (singing): Now that it's raining more than ever; know that we still have eachother; you can stand under my umbrella; you can stand under my umbrella; ella, ella, eh eh eh; under my umbrella; ella, ella, eh eh eh.
Sara: SHUT UP! I hate that song!
Greg: Fine, I'll take my umbrella elsewhere!
Sara: Wait, ok come back, I'm sorry. But really? Are you just going to stand there holding an umbrella?
Greg: Yep. "Ella, ella, eh eh eh."
Sara: On second thought. Leave.
(Grissom and Brass are standing at a crime scene )
Grissom: I'm not pretty sure if he's really dead.
Brass: I see some blood, but it doesn't have to mean that the victim is still alive.
(Grissom pokes the victim in his arm)
Grissom: Sir...are you still alive?
Brass: He doesn't respond. I guess he's dead.
(Sara and Greg are juggling together with water bottles in the breakroom as their co-workers file in for the day's work.)
Nick: What are you doing?
Sara & Greg: Hup, hup!
Warrick: Hey guys... Whoa, you're gunna knock someone's eye out!
Grissom: Good guys, now show 'em the finale!
Sara & Greg: Hup, hup, hooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
(They take a bow while Grissom claps.)
Grissom: I'm training them for the international tournament this year.
Greg: Gris, you told us we could be Carnies!
Grissom: You'll never be good enough for the carnaval Greg.
You see Grissom walking alone, with a flashlight in hand. Suddenly the spot hits a car wreck.
Grissom: Thank God! (runs to the car)
Sara: (weak voice) Grissom!
Geico: Sara, it looks like you broke several ribs, punctured a lung, have a concussion, and broke some bones in your leg. But I have some good news.
Sara: What's that?
Grissom: You saved money on this wreck by switching to Geico.
Gas for search party: $50
Batteries for flashlight: $3.99
Finding your pet triantula "Charlie": Priceless
(Opening one liner)
Greg: Now that's what I call Flat Feet.
Whooo are yo--
Grissom: What do you think you're doing?
Greg: Nothing, I was just..
Grissom: Just what?
Greg: Making conversation..?
Grissom (irritated): I have one joy in this job, and you waltz in here... Stand aside Greg. (Grissom takes his spot next to the body) Eh-HEM! Now that's what I call Flat Feet..
Whooo are you who who who who
Greg: You need to smirk a little more, make the audience believe it's a joke. (Greg runs away)
Greg and Sara are processing a scene and are very close to each other.
Greg: I can see down your shirt right now.
Sara: Like what you see?
Greg: No. (turns away)
Sofia: I wanna leggo greggo
Sara: Hell no! he's my greggo to leggo
Sofia: Wanna start,punk?
Sara: Oh,ok then (punches sofia)
Sofia(hits back)
Greg : (walks in) Don't worry ladies! there's enough of Greggo to go around!
Grissom: EXCUSE ME! I DO NOT CONDONE THREESOMES IN MY LAB!
Greg: Even with a greggo sandwich?
Grissom: Yes. Even with a greggo sandwich.
Sofia: I want my Greggo.
Sara: Too bad, he's my Greggo.
Sofia: Wanna start, twirp?
Greg: Don't worry ladies! There's enough of Greggo to go around.
Sara: Not you, weirdo. We mean Greg Brady.
Greg: :(
(Grissom has just beaten Warrick and Greg at chess)
GRISSOM: (smug) It's another example of using your opponent's weaknesses against them.
WARRICK: Oh, please.
GREG: We've been hearing that since day one.
GRISSOM: No, no, I'm serious. *to warrick* In your case, your recklessness leaves you wide open. *to Greg* And you - you play so cautiously I can read you like a book.
WARRICK: Yeah, well, you wanna know what I think?
WARRICK AND GREG TOGETHER: He cheats!
*Nick walks into the lab looking a bit pale*
Greg: Hey Nick, what's wrong?
Nick: You know how we never see Sara during the day?
Greg: Yeah...
Nick: And how she drank Grissom's blood experiment?
Greg: Yeah...
Nick: Well I was just at her house. She sleeps in a coffin...
Greg: Nick, what were you doing in her bedroom?!
Nick: Wouldn't you like to know...
Man: Greg, wake up. GREG!!! Wake up!!!
Greg: Who are you?
Man: I am your great great great great grandson. I have traveled back in a time machine to talk to you.
Greg: Coooool. What's up.
Man: You have embarrassed the whole family tree. There are pictures of you on your 21st century internet where you danced with a showgirl head gear. Your foot fungus has been passed down from generation to generation. And I am tired of all the old tales of Uncle Olaf. Get with it. Grow up so we won't be the butt of all the jokes. *Disappears*
Greg: I've got to stop eating that spicy food before going to bed.
(Nick & Warrick are in the break room, When Greg runs in)
Greg: MINDFREAK!!!!!! (runs away)
Nick: WTF?
Warrick: I think someone spiked his coffee agian!
Music to T-Pain "Buy You a Drink"
Grissom (intoxicated): I'm Gil Gris, you know me. . . :hic: Ima buy you a draink..OO OOH EEE, I got money in the ba- :hic: aink.... :hic:
Greg: Sara!!! Grissom's doing it again! I think he's drunk this time..
Sara: Greg, just let him buy you a drink.
Grissom: I like tacos.
Hodges: Yer mom likes tacos.
Greg: Did someone say tacos??
Hodges: Yer mom said tacos.
(Greg and Grissom walk out of the room)
Greg: God I hate that guy...
Hodges (pokes his head out of the lab): Yer mom hates that guy!!
Griss: Greg, you did a great job.
Hodges: Your mom did a great job.
Griss:yeah, well, your mom says hi, and wants you to call her tomorrow. give her my love
(Greg is sitting with Sara in the breakroom having lunch)
Greg: ::Sigh::
Sara: What's up greg? You haven't been yourself today.
Greg: It's my birthday. No one remembered.
(Sara gets 'deer in the headlights' look and excuses herself. She calls the entire team and a makeshift party is thrown together before Greg goes home.)
Greg: Aww, thanks guys!! And I thought no one remembered!
Group: Naw! Come on Greg! We just wanted you to stress a little, we remembered!
(Group exits and leaves Greg with a mass of gift cards and cake, Hodges strolls by and notices the cake)
Hodges: Whoa, chocolate! Hey. . . "Happy birthday Greg"? Isn't your birthday in June?
Greg: No-- I jus-- Uh--... I'll give you the card to Starbucks if you don't say aything.
Hodges: How much?
Greg: $25.
Hodges: Deal.
Greg: I think Sara's under there.
Gil: Under where?
Greg: I just made you say underwear!
(runs away)
Greg, Grissom, and Sara are in the lab going over a case.
Greg:Greg is looking at photos of the victim, who was apparently stabbed with a very large knife. "My God, that's enormous!"
Grissom:"That's what she said last night!"
Sara:Sara gets a "look" on her face. "Grissom!That is NOT what I said!" Her face gets very red. "Uhh...er...that is...I have to go."
Greg turns to Grissom, also wearing the "look."
Grissom:"That's TOTALLY what she said, man."
like I said, I dunno... *shrug*
Grissom: Are you ready team?
Sara, Cath, Nick, Warrick, Greg, Doc, Hodges: *silence*
Grissom: I said, "Are you ready?"
Sara: I guess so.
Greg: Sure, boss.
Nick: Okay.
Grissom (sings): Who lives in a condo in Las Vegas N V?
Everyone: Ecklie Pinkthong.
Grissom: Ruins the cases and mean as can be?
Everyone: Ecklie Pinkthong.
Grissom: If you have a boss that you wish were dead
Everyone: Ecklie Pinkthong.
Grissom: Then pick up a bat and bash in his bald head
Everyone: Ecklie Pinkthong! Ecklie Pinkthong! Ecklie Pinkthong! Ecklie Pinkthong! EEEEECCCCKKLIEEEEE PIIIIIINKTHOOOOOOONNNNGGGG!!!
(The CSI'S are watching T.V. in the breakroom)
Reporter on T.V.:Superstar Eric Szmanda was kidnapped by fangirls again tody.And now to weather.
(Nick turns T.V. off)
(Grissom walks in)
Sara:Grissom,do you know who Eric Szmanda is?
Grissom:No why?
Warrick:He was kiddnapped by fangirls.
Grissom:ohh..
(Catherine walks in)
Catherine:Has anyone seen Greg??
Grissom:...What is it hodges?
Hodges:.....Iloveyouwithallmyheartandsoulwillyoumarryme.
Grissom: GREG! Did you give hodges coffee again!?
Hodges:...I can see you...but you can't see me...
Grissom: o_O
Hodges: *Sees Ecklie*...Oh NO! The great troll has come! Fly unicorns flllyyyyyyy! *Skips out of lab*
Grissom: ....I'm just going to walk away...
Grissom:..Nick, Wheres Greg?
Nick: Hes at home.
Grissom:...Why?
Nick: Chicken pox apperently.
----Greg's house----
Greg: *Playing Halo 3, there is clearly nothing wrong with him*
------lab-----
Grissom:...Really.
*Soija boy playing loudly from the break room*
(Hodges walks in to the whole team doing the soija boy dance)
Team:Watch Me Crank It Watch Me Roll
(All stop to stare at Hodges)
Hodges: I'm going to pretend I didn't see that
(Walks away, all look at eachother )
Greg: 5,6,7,8! (Dance starts again)
Sorta from Marilyn Manson's video-(s)AINT.*WARNING-VIDEO CONTAINS ADULT THEMES,SUICIDE,DRUGS,MARILYN MANSON'S
SINGING,AND EMOTIONALLY SCARING CLIPS OF ERIC SZAMANDA!DO NOT WATCH ALONE!MAY CAUSE NAUSEAU,VOMITING,DIZZINESS,
ITCHY FEET AND REFUSING TO WATCH CSI!*
(Nick is on his laptop,camerea zooms in on page he is on-Youtube.com-column on right suggests Marilyn Manson's
video-(s)AINT,he clicks on it,page is directed to new page)
(he sits in silence until 2 minutes,15 seconds)
(he blinks and rewinds video to 2:15)
Nick muttering to himself:WOAH!!Greg IS in the video!!!!
(Nick runs out of room,camerea pans him as he leaves,returns dragging catherine)
Nick:Look!
(Catherine glances at screen,she appears speechless)
(she pulls out cellphone and calls a group meeting)
(In break room/Group meeting)
Caterine shows CSI's(and Bobby who was there for some reason there) screen
(everyone one glares at Greg)
Warrick:Man,you know Marilyn Manson?
Greg(if that is his REAL name):Ummm...Sorta..Yeah..I-I guess..
Sara,reading screen:At the bottom a comment says "Greg Sanders from CSI is on here."
Sophia:Greg,why do I have a feeling you know something we don't?
(Greg's seat is empty,he is seen sprinting down hall)
Grissom:AFTER HIM!!!
(They chase him)
Bobby,looks at camerea:Tha-tha-tha-tha-That's all folks!
Greg: (talking to Nick) So... if Griss and Sara are together, and Cath and 'Rick are sorta an item... where does that leave us?
Nick: Probably the same place we were in season one. Me screwing soon-to-be-murdered hookers and you... dating non-existent women.
Greg: (looks thoughtful for a second) So, your place or mine?
Nick: Mine, definitely.
examining something being preserved in a jar)
Nick: What is this?
Greg: That would be a penis.
Nick: (looks confused and disgusted)
Greg: (smiles) Dude, I can't believe you fell for that.
Nick: I'm gay. (points to Greg) So is he.
Greg: Yup, as Springtime.
Ecklie: (yells) Is there anyone else here that's gay?
(Sara, Sofia, Henry, Bobby, and Hodges raise their hands)
Warrick: I'm bi, does that count?
Nick: (eyes Warrick) Schweet.
Cath: (to Nick) Don't even think about it, buddy.
Greg: Somedays, I just feel like putting on a bunny suit and screaming.
Nick: It's the voices again, isn't it?
Greg: Yeah. They tell me to burn things.
Greg: Somedays, I just feel like putting on a bunny suit and screaming.
Doc Robbins: Hello, Greg.
Greg: Ehhhhhh, what's up doc?
Doc Robbins: It's wabbit season.Greg: Duck season!
Greg: (rocks back and forth) "Can't sleep, clowns will eat me. Can't sleep, clowns will eat me. Can't sleep, clowns..."
Nick: Stop quoting your t-shirts, Greg. It's getting annoying.
Greg: (glares) "When I snap, you'll be the first to go."
Grissom shows up at the lab in a wife beater t-shirt, jeans, a beat-up leather jacket over his shoulder, a fresh tattoo glows red on his arm, and his hair is covered by a red bandana...
Grissom (grabbing Sara around the waist): Hey babe, let's blow this popsicle stand
Nick: Greg! You got a tattoo!
Greg: So do you, Nick! Nick, what does my tattoo say?
Nick: "Greg!" What about mine?
Greg: "Nick!" What does mine say?
Nick: "Greg!" What about mine?
Greg: "Nick!" What does mine say?
Nick: "Greg!" What about mine?
Greg: "Nick!" What does mine say?
Nick: "Greg!" What about mine?
Greg: "Nick!" What does mine say?
Nick: "Greg!" What about mine?
Greg: "Nick!" What does mine say?
Nick: "Greg!" What about mine?
[later]
Greg: "Nick!" What does mine say?
Nick: "Greg!"
Nick's hallucination autopsy takes a new twist.
Nick opens up his eyes to Doc Robbins whistling 'Tainted Love'.
He opens his mouth and starts to sing:
Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
Doc jumps back: WTF!
Super Dave runs over: what
Nick continues to sing despite having an open cavity in his chest
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
Super Dave stares at Doc Robbins and then continues the song:
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
Nick: And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night
Doc Robbins, Super Dave and Nick sing gother:
Once I ran to you
Wendy runs into the moruge singing
(I ran)
Now I'll run from you
Hodges runs intot he morgue singing to Wendy:
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
All of them sing:
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh...tainted love
Tainted love
Nick continues: Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want IT any more from me
Grissom and Sara waltz into the lab singing:
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
Catherine and Warrick samba into the lab singing:
And you'LL think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way
Nick sings:
Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go
All together they sing:
Tainted love, tainted love (x2)
Touch me baby, tainted love (x2)
Tainted love
(Sara is walking into the lab one evening, kind of uncomfortable and adjusting her pants and scratching her inner thighs. She goes into the locker room still doing this and making really uncomfortable, itchy faces. Greg sees this and decides to be a smart-aleck.)
Greg: Whatsa matter? Fall in some poison oak?
Sara: No. I've got beard burn...
Greg: Huh? Women don't have beards at all, let alone on their inner thighs... (Greg suddenly pauses, then his eyes get really wide and he gets a majorly appalled and disgusted facial expression) NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (Greg then runs out of the locker room screaming.)
Sara: (Reaches into Greg's locker and grabs a bottle of aloe vera gel) Well, now I can use his Aloe without him caring...
Greg: NARF! So, Grissom, whaddaya wanna do tonight?
Grissom: The same thing we do every night, Greg: Try to solve every murder ever committed in the state of Nevada.
Greg: And they call me the dumb one. NARF!
(The scene opens in a Vegas Hotel's Karaoke Bar. Bass lines from a Rolling Stones song are playing. The camera zooms around and we see Conrad Ecklie at the mike.)
Ecklie: (Singing) I can't get no... Satisfaction.... I can't get no... Girlie action... though I try... and I try... and I try.... and I t-t-t-try...
People in the Audience: WE'RE NOT SURPRISED!!!
Grissom: (Sits down next to Greg in the brak-room and gives him a suggestive look) Greggy, do you like Gladiator Movies?
Greg: NOOOOOO!!!! (He runs out as fast as he can muster.)
"I don't get it, Nick," Catherine said one day in the breakroom, "but ever since Grissom found me checking his sheets for vaginal contributions, he doesn't seem to trust me anymore.
Greg: That Dave Hodges REALLY knows what he's doing. I sure look up to him!
Wendy: What the?!?!!?
Greg: (winks) Happy OPPOSITE DAY, Wendy!
Grissom: We have another mystery on our hands lets split up gang...
Grissom: Sara your with me....Catherine you take Warrick....
Nick: What about me Griss...
Grissom: Nick you get Greg...
Nick: Nick sighs.... Greg?
Grissom: Would you do it for a scooby snack...?